Thanksgiving week – Turkey Galore

Ah the holidays! Like many folks, I look forward all year to a turkey feast with stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce (the good stuff – not the junk that comes out in the shape of the can), and pumpkin pie. I thought this week I’d prepare a virtual turkey feast.

I covered Thankskilling last year and it is truly an awful film. Unfortunately it is not awful fun but simply awful. I was the only one in the family who sat through it.

Much higher on the so-bad-it’s-fun scale are previously covered turkeys Battlefield Earth and Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Both are still available on instant Netflix if you are inclined to laughably bad movies. Each has their own particular charms. Battlefield Earth is almost unbelievably bad and has a jaw-dropping performance from John Travolta.

I’m going to try to cover a few new bad movies this week. Borrowing from wikipedia’s list of the worst films ever made, these are the ones currently available on instant Netflix: Battlefield Earth, Santa Clause Conquers the Martians, At Long Last Love, The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, Howard the Duck, Mac and Me, North, Gigli, Troll 2, and Birdemic: Shock and Terror. There are a few others under the Mystery Science Theater 3000 label but it’s hard to properly condemn, I mean judge a film with nonstop chatter played over the soundtrack.

ThanksKilling

Well sadly there only seems to be one Thanksgiving movie available on Netflix instant view.

Thankskilling

AVOID: Thankskilling (2009) – NR – This movie has not been rated because the makers could not afford to have it rated.

“I’m going to drink your blood like cranberry sauce”

“While on their way home for Thanksgiving break, five college kids run afoul of a homicidal turkey that wants them dead. As the cursed bird hunts them down one by one, the survivors scramble to find a way to defeat the possessed creature. Will the bloodthirsty turkey make this their last Thanksgiving feast ever? Writer-director Jordan Downey’s holiday-themed horror spoof features an appearance by adult-film star Wanda Lust.”

O.M.G. – We tried watching this film earlier and got maybe two minutes in before turning it off. That would be the length of the scene, set in 1621, where the older topless Pilgrim (Wanda Lust, star of such classic cinema masterpieces as MILF Shakes and MILF Does a Brotha Good!) is killed by the hand puppet Turkey. The Turkey then turns to the camera and says, “Nice tits, B*tch” – seriously I am not making this up. That was as far as we got on the first attempt.

Lacking any other Thanksgiving related film to review, I’m doing my civic duty and watching the rest of this so you don’t have to. Note to a friend – when I say AVOID and put it in bold and then color it red that means for your sanity DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM, it is not a secret enticement to watch it.

If you think scatology is the height of humor then this film is for you. The Turkey is revived in modern times by a dog urinating on a grave and then on the Turkey itself as it rises up. The Turkey defecates on someone’s chest. A woman brews her husband’s coffee with feces. It is hard to think someone thought these ideas up and committed them to paper much less celluloid.

If that isn’t your cup of joe, how about a tagline of “Gobble Gobble Motherf***er?” How about a film that starts in 1621, moves forward 505 years and ends in present day (I’ll wait while you do the math)? How about not one, not two, but three Jon-Benet Ramsey jokes? Oh wait I absolutely must mention the ‘hilarious’ Turkey rape sequence. Afterwards the Turkey tells his victim, “You just got stuffed!”

Now 45 minutes into this travesty my wife has fled screaming from the room. This leaves 21 more minutes of sheer terror to face alone. 57 minutes in and my wife has literally fled the building. I would remember this for future use but it is definitely not worth the price of watching this turkey again. I’m sorry I tried to resist that joke but I have so little willpower on Thanksgiving.

The best thing I can say about ThanksKilling (besides that it is now over) is that it is only an hour and six minutes long. Instead of watching ThanksKilling, watch the fake horror movie trailers from Grindhouse here. The 3rd trailer is “Thanksgiving” by Eli Roth. The others are “Werewolf Women of the SS” by Rob Zombie, “Don’t” by Edgar Wright, and “Machete” by Robert Rodriguez. All of them are hilarious.