Tag Archives: avoid

Conan the Generic

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AVOID: Conan the Barbarian (2011) – Rated R for strong bloody violence, some sexuality and nudity.

The wife and I went to see the new Conan the Barbarian and felt it was not worth what we paid. We had (sort of) FREE tickets from a couple Blu-Rays at Best Buy (Highlander and Kill Bill vol.1). For some odd reason the FREE ticket is only valid for $7.50. Does anyone have a theater where the evening adult price is $7.50 or less?

I was glad to see that the movie was rated R as Conan should have plenty of violence. Unfortunately much of the R rating was for the ridiculous looking CGI blood.

The most egregious fault was the utterly generic script that hit every single cliche we could think of except for what we thought would be the final shot for the movie. The script also vacillates between being a Conan script and being a generic fantasy script so the tone is uneven.

It seems that one of the three writers knew who Conan was and snuck in a few Conan moments here and there. Still he often must have been overruled as Conan at one point drops the revenge he has been living his whole life for in order to save someone in distress.

I understand that Conan is no rocket surgeon but the script makes him out to be a complete moron. He is orphaned and then raised by another warrior. The warrior offers his aid in revenge but Conan rejects it stating that he must do this alone. Later you have essentially the same scenario, only Conan now has a ship full of people at his disposal. Sure enough he has to go it alone again.

Later still Conan accepts the help of a thief to break into a city because Conan is apparently incapable of opening doors but the trip is completely moot as he then just leaves, leaving the thief behind as he must do this alone.

In the climactic battle sequence, the entire area is shaking and falling apart (a la the opening temple in Raiders of the Lost Ark) until the battle sequence. At that point everything stops falling apart. After the battle sequence, everything starts falling apart again until the next battle sequence. This is repeated ad nauseum for no discernible reason.

Jason Momoa is okay as Conan (my wife liked his butt and abs). Rose McGowan, who I liked in Scream and Grindhouse, is actually pretty bad here as Marique and Stephen Lang fails to make an impression as Khalar Zym, which should have been a juicy role. Ron Perlman mostly just growls his way through the clunky dialogue.

I could go on but the goofs and gaffes are not bad enough to make the film funny – just annoying. Well at least my wife enjoyed the popcorn.

 

Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus – Shark week

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With this being 4th of July week and all the tar balls from the BP spill scaring people away from the beaches, I thought I would spend the week covering other reasons to scare you away from the beaches. This is Shark week. Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus is currently available on instant Netflix.

AVOID: Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009) – Rated R for some language.

“After a series of mysterious disasters occurs in the Pacific, from the disappearance of a plane to the destruction of an oil rig, a group of scientists discovers that a secret military mission has unearthed a prehistoric shark and a giant octopus. When the government learns of the existence of the menacing beasts, the team of scientists is tasked with formulating a plan to destroy the phenomenal creatures. Lorenzo Lamas and Deborah Gibson star.”

“Listen screw these environmentalists. When I give the order, shoot to kill.”

Well each film during Shark week upped the ante. I started with the classic Jaws. Jaws 2 gave us a bigger body count. Jaws 3 gave us a larger shark. Jaws 4 gave us a shark after revenge! I would have loved to end this week with Deep Blue Sea (super intelligent sharks). Sadly it is not available on instant Netflix.

Instead I up the ante with Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus. This is presumably the limit until we get space sharks that swallow planets. When the first words that appear on screen are “The Asylum Presents”, discerning watchers turn off the TV (alternately they run screaming from the theater).

If you have watched a movie on Syfy (ugh) that you thought had a decent B premise and it turned out that it was so awful as to be unwatchable, the chances are that it was made by The Asylum. Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus – dumbed down title, fun idea.

The film does begin with some lovely tracking shots over icy mountains and stock sea shots that are clearly taken somewhere much more tropical. We then see Emma (Deborah Gibson aka Debbie Gibson) piloting a minisub. Her nails are uncolored when we see her but when her hands are in closeup they are covered in black nail polish.

So two goofy errors in as many minutes. Also the Alaskan glaciers look wonderful but apparently Asylum did not want to spring for stock shots of ice calving so they stick in a terrible CGI scene of it. Bleh!

At what point Emma (Debbie) asks, “What did I miss?” to which an assistant replies “any kind of career advancement”. Later Lorenzo Lamas also gets to poke fun at the pop career of Debbie Gibson. These bright spots illuminate an otherwise deeply stupid script.

Writer/director Jack Perez must have realized how bad his film was as both his directorial and script credits are listed as “Ace Hannah”. This does not excuse such incredibly lazy plotting that scenes happen without rhyme, reason or even relation to other scenes.

The most hysterical scene occurs at the 18 minute mark when Megalodon (Mega Shark for those who prefer things dumbed down) takes out an airliner in midflight. It is pretty funny but seriously why? Sharks can jump out of the water and I can rationalize Megalodon leaping farther out of the water than a shark but why is the airliner flying that low to the ocean?

Anyway the laughable leaps in logic naturally get worse as the film progresses. The egregious error rate remains more of a constant but they pile up as the literacy of the script plumbs the depths. Just as the scenes often have no relation to each other, many of the lines of dialogue do not seem to relate to each other.

The acting is terrible but it would be hard to act well given the awfulness of the script. I am not sure what actors it would take to make this travesty watchable.

Hint to Asylum: since most of your films take place in the modern era and many involve armed people, try investing in a few real guns and dispose of the plastic $1.98 props.

In spite of the dreadful dialogue, plotting, sets, and acting, this still could have been fun if some love had been lavished on the special effects. Sadly while Ray Harryhausen would work over a year just on the special effects for many of his films, the CGI here looks like it was the first pass done in a few hours.

Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus is horrendously bad but not the enjoyable kind of bad. Avoid!

People Watch: In the tradition of far better directors, Jack Perez cameos as an Oil Rig Supervisor.


Jaws: The Revenge – Shark week

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With this being 4th of July week and all the tar balls from the BP spill scaring people away from the beaches, I thought I would spend the week covering other reasons to scare you away from the beaches. This is Shark week. Jaws: The Revenge aka Jaws 4 is currently available on instant Netflix.

AVOID: Jaws: The Revenge (1987) – Rated PG-13.

“After another deadly shark attack, Ellen Brody (Lorraine Gary) decides she has had enough of New Englands Amity Island and moves to the Caribbean to join her son, Michael (Lance Guest), and his family. But a great white shark has followed her there, hungry for more lives. Michael Caine, Karen Young and Mario Van Peebles co-star; Joseph Sargent directs this third sequel to Steven Spielbergs original Jaws.”

“Dad died of a heart attack!” – “No. He died from fear. The fear of it killed him.”

Minor Spoilers: There really is no good way to describe Jaws the Revenge without revealing some of what happened in the previous installments.

Okay let me sum up for a moment here while being as spoiler-free as I can. In Jaws, a giant great white (~25 feet) shark attacks the residents of Amity Island including Sheriff Brody and kids Sean and Mike. In Jaws 2, a giant great white (~25 feet) shark attacks the residents of Amity Island including Sheriff Brody and kids Sean and Mike.

This causes Sean to wisely move to a landlocked state even though Mike apparently emerges brain-damaged from the two separate ordeals and works at a water park in Florida. Sean, suffering temporary insanity, visits Mike and the pair (and the park) are promptly attacked by *surprise* a great white shark (~35 feet this time).

Surviving this too Sean learns the incorrect lesson that a shark can attack anywhere (even though none attacked him while he was landlocked) and moves back to take up the job of Sheriff of Amity Island. Mike sensibly moves to the landlocked Bahamas where one could not possibly encounter a shark – oh wait!

Apparently our latest shark finally uncovers DNA evidence that his family was basically murdered by the Brody family. This is the only reason I can figure for the decades long delay for revenge. This evidence causes our shark to lay a trap for and kill Sean (not really a spoiler – it is the opening scene). It apparently knew when he would be the only one on duty. No I am not kidding.

Ellen Brody (Lorraine Gary), mother to Mike and Sean, vows never to go near water again and moves to the Bahamas with Mike. What? She then begins to sense that the new shark caught a later flight and is now in the Bahamas. Of course she does not tell anyone because then they would think she was crazy.

Meanwhile Mike who obviously is insane (runs in the family?) survives an attack by a barracuda oops I mean a great white shark and, not wanting to worry his mother, says nothing about it.

Lorraine Gary is a good actress but did not get much movie work. It is perhaps fitting then that her final performance (to date anyway) was the only movie in which she received top-billing. Not counting flashbacks, she is the only one to appear in three of the Jaws movies.

The characters of Mike and Sean Brody appear in all four movies but are played by several actors each. Lance Guest becomes the fourth actor to play Mike Brody. I feel like saying he is okay but he is no Dennis Quaid (Mike #3).

For my wife Jaws the Revenge was proof of her adage that Michael Caine will do anything. He used to be pretty indiscriminate about his role choices but lately he has hooked up with Christopher Nolan (one of my favorite directors) for all of his pictures and did a superb star turn in Harry Brown.

Here Caine plays island pilot Hoagie Newcombe as somewhat of a rogue. This allows him to mug his way through the film though he is quite watchable as always.In a bit of poetic punishment, Caine could not accept his Hannah and Her Two Sisters Oscar because he was busy filming this drek.

When asked about this blot on his career, he stated “I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific.”

Mario Van Peebles rounds out our lead cast as Jake, partner to Mike and perhaps a bit more sane since he had not decided to work in the ocean after having been attacked by four previous great white sharks.

This travesty was written by Michael de Guzman. Apparently Carl Gottlieb must have said I can write a story about a shark attacking a water park but a shark waiting decades to take personal revenge – well that is just silly.

Here is a hint: if you are asked to write the fourth film in a franchise then perhaps you should watch the first three films so you do not end up contradicting them.

This film is so unbelievably bad that it is very enjoyable for the cheese. However that is not a valid reason to recommend this. In fact you should avoid this. But it is hysterically funny how many leaps in logic you have to make for this to resemble any kind of sense.

Do not even get me started on how a shark can roar. The head of my younger daughter would have exploded if she saw that scene.

Trivia: The older unidentified woman who is in the Brody living room is Mrs. Kintner (Lee Fierro), whose son Alex was a victim in Jaws.

People Watch: Melvin Van Peebles, father of Mario, appears here as Mr. Witherspoon.

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 – Do Not Get on That Train week

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This is Do Not Get on That Train week. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 is currently available on instant Netflix.

AVOID: The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (2009) – Rated R for graphic language and violence.

“When a group of hijackers led by criminal mastermind Ryder (John Travolta) take the passengers aboard a New York subway train hostage and demand a kings ransom, it is up to subway dispatcher Walter Garber (Denzel Washington) to bring them down. Directed by Tony Scott (Man on Fire), this action thriller — an update of the 1974 film from Joseph Sargent — also stars James Gandolfini, John Turturro, Luis Guzmán and Michael Rispoli.”

“Life is simple now. They just have to do what I say.” – one of the few printable lines in the movie

Well I wanted to like this movie but I simply cannot. I also feel somewhat of a hypocrite for recommending a Steven Seagal film yesterday and panning a Denzel Washington film today.

Denzel Washington is a wonderful everyman. To me he represents a more recent Tom Hanks, Jimmy Stewart, or Gregory Peck (or for those of you who are color conscious a modern Sidney Poitier). He handles serious roles with dignity while managing a lighter touch on the material where it is required.

While normally playing the hero, his tour de force performance in Training Day won him his second Oscar. He had previously won a Best Supporting Actor nod for Glory as well as nominations for The Hurricane, Malcolm X, and Freedom.

Why oh why then does he keep working with director Tony Scott?

The Scott brothers are one of my cinematic love-hate relationships. Ridley Scott, in my opinion, is one of the best directors working today. He has directed four of my all-time favorite movies (Alien, Blade Runner, Gladiator, and Black Hawk Down and many other wonderful yet flawed films (The Duellists, Thelma & Louise, Kingdom of Heaven, Black Rain).

His brother Tony consistently takes good material and good actors and trashes both with his signature visual stylings. It is not that most of his films are awful – they actually are not – it is that while watching them you cannot help but think how much better the movie would be if someone else had made it.

Hysterically most of what is wrong with a Tony Scott film occurs literally within the first minute here. We approach the Columbia logo as through a tunnel and then we have a panoramic view of New York while a nice subway motif sets up the credits. Not content with that good start, Scott abandons it seconds later (seriously Scott has THE worst case of ADD of any Hollywood director) for a frenetic time-lapse montage of people swarming over the city streets with no shot lasting longer than a few seconds.

The first words heard are from a song and they are “got 99 problems but a b@tch  aint one” as we pan over Travolta with a cheesy moustache, cross earring and neck tattoo of a gun and the words “from my cold dead hands”. Is that supposed to be ironic? Apparently at that point the camera was just too steady so then we get some extra blurry and juddery camerawork, again with no shot lasting longer than a few seconds.

The F bomb – practically a Tony Scott trademark – is dropped in the song before the credits are done and still we are only in the first minute of the movie. The first line in the movie is “So” and the second line contains four F bombs. How old is Tony Scott? 12? Or did writer Brian Helgeland actually write that second line.

Please understand that I have nothing against profanity in films. South Park is one of the most profane films of all time and is absolutely hysterical. Where would John McClane (Bruce Willis) be without the ending to Yippie-Kai-yay? There are tons of places where profanity can appropriately be applied but using it because you cannot actually think of anything better to say just makes you look like an idiot.

I think it is hysterical that now that PG-13 films are allowed to throw in one non-sexual reference F-bomb that almost all of them do. Why? Because it is part of the business formula.

The 1974 original was a classic urban thriller. Walter Matthau was excellent as the beleaguered Garber and Robert Shaw was ice cool as Blue (Ryder in the remake). Blue had to deal with a worried cohort and keep a psychopathic one in check in addition to Garber. The bad guys were all color coded so that their real names were not used. Tarantino found this so cool that he borrowed it for Reservoir Dogs.

This remake jettisons the color names of course. Not only that but in the original, all of the perpetrators are disguised. None of the perpetrators in the remake are disguised

John Travolta plays Ryder, our hijacker. Unfortunately he has only one speed – full bore – so instead of a man with a plan, he just comes across as a complete psychopath. He has given so many good nuanced performances in the past but lately he has delved into the realm of self-parody.

Tony Scott also throws in two very good character actors, Luis Guzman and James Gandolfini, in pretty substantial parts. They do well though the part for Guzman is woefully underwritten. Though Guzman should not complain as the other two hijackers are complete ciphers.

At one point Garber (Denzel) says out loud to himself  “Jerry Pollard. I know Jerry Pollard. I went to Motormans school with Jerry Pollard”. Really does anyone actually talk that way? Was there no better way to convey this information?

The modern updates to the script are a mixed bag. One of the hostages having a laptop is certainly reasonable, though the way it is used becomes a bit laughable. They do have a clever stock market subplot that ultimately goes nowhere.

If you must watch this film, I highly recommend some dramamine. Scott loves to pan the camera for a few seconds and then jump to another character, pan for a few seconds and then jump back. I swear some of the later subway scenes were made for an anti-drug video.

The original script sets up a wonderful, tight ending and a great epilogue. Tony Scott and Brian Helgeland jettison this in favor of a bombastic over-the-top ending.

In the original the mayor has to make a few decisions such as approving the ransom – quite reasonable. Here the mayor actually talks to Ryder. When was the last time that you heard of a mayor being involved directly in hostage negotiations?

Scott continuously updates us on how much time is left but it quickly becomes comical, particularly as we are not advancing in time at all. I did like how one of the characters mentioned that they should have used a helicopter to deliver the money – thus sort of covering a plothole.

The part that really gets me is that every single good point in this movie (with the exception of Turturro below) was done better in the original and every change (except the stock market subplot sort of) that Scott and Helgeland made in the story made it worse.

The worst change is towards the end where Ryder does something completely and utterly nonsensical. I will not mention what it was to avoid spoilers but from that point on the movie went from being annoying to being monumentally stupid.

Avoid this movie and if you do not mind 70s films, put the original in your Netflix queue.

People Watch: John Turturro does a stellar job playing Camonetti, a hostage negotiator. He does a good job here but his performances for the Coen brothers are much better, particularly Jesus in the Big Lebowski and Bernie Bernbaum in Millers Crossing.

Train – Do Not Get on That Train week

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This is Do Not Get on That Train week. The rather obviously named Train is currently available on instant Netflix.

AVOID: Train (2008) – Rated R for strong grisly, bloody violence, disturbing images, sexual content and language.

“College athlete Alex (Thora Birch) and her teammates are in for one hell of a ride when, after a night of heavy partying, they miss a train to their next meet in Europe and unwittingly accept alternate transport from a stranger — with deadly consequences. The international gore-fest from director Gideon Raff (The Killing Floor) was shot in Bulgaria and takes bloody inspiration from a rash of news reports about real crimes in Eastern Europe.”

“America where are you going to in the middle of the fun?”

Bizarrely this movie was originally to be a remake of Terror Train (1980). That is not bizarre as they have remade pretty much every other popular 80s slasher at this point. The bizarre part is that that idea was jettisoned and they did not even try to retain the title (except in Japan where it is called Terror Train).

Well they sure want you to know what kind of a movie you are getting into. Not even a minute into the film and they are graphically showing people being carved up. There is absolutely no context for this – you cannot even tell what you are seeing. I guess they want people to think that this is Hostel.

They intersperse the gore with a few (unrelated?) shots of a train so that you know that this is not Hostel.

After that we are introduced to our Indiana wrestling team somewhere in Europe (do not ask). They sneak out of their hotel room at night to go to the requisite rave I mean party. Cue standard euro rave montage and so that we know that this movie is hip, the rave montage segues into a sex club montage. Wait this must be Hostel.

Two of the young men are led off by young ladies (strangely we do not get any good look at them) – Yup this is definitely Hostel.

When they finally board the train, two of the bad guys ask for their passports. How do we know they are the bad guys? Because they have BAD TEETH! If Hollywood has taught us anything, it is that the sight of bad teeth always announces the presence of the minor villains. Wait that is just like Hostel.

We have a character that points out that pain can be fun. This is definitely Hostel.

The sinister Europeans spend the rest of the film torturing the stupid American tourists. I officially rename this movie Hostel 3: The Revenge of Turistas.

Oh wait I did not mention the part where they were doing all of this to harvest organs. Perhaps that is because this is the dirtiest, most inept medical operation in cinematic history.

Train is both written and directed by Gideon Raff. I am going to have to say that written is way too strong a word. It appears to be simply a series of random scenes strung together.

For instance after the bad teeth bad guys get the passports, they burn them. That is ridiculous on many levels – they plan to kill all of the Americans so getting their passports afterwards should not really be an issue. Presumably they are doing this for money – I imagine passports would fetch a decent sum of cash. If you want to say that the villains are being prudent then check out the scene 44 minutes in where one of our victims discovers a drawer full of passports. Did Raff forget the scene that he had written (and directed) earlier?

The villains have an opportunity to grab one of the men so they do. They then have an extremely similar opportunity to grab Alex (Thora Birch). Since she is the main character they do not do that. Huh?

The train cars are all quite modern with at least two dining cars. When one of our victims, dressed only in his tighty-whities – do not ask!, runs past these cars on a dare, he comes across a really ramshackle car that just happens to have a nail sticking out of the floor. Why? Because Raff wrote it into the script.

Alex gets a knife at one point. Later she stumbles backwards (for no reasonable reason – this is long after she has discovered what is going on) and drops the knife. She notices that she has dropped the knife and leaves without it anyway even though no one is chasing her. The villain she was backing away from is busy carting off her friend.

Raff writes that event into the script because it is important that Alex not be armed in her very next scene.

One of our male characters has pierced nipples. What are the odds that someone will rip those off during the course of the film? Hint – darn near 100%.

They need a heart. Rather than put the unwilling (and of course unsedated) donor on the medical table (which they have), they seat him in a chair, power saw his chest open, and yank that puppy out. The medical table is reserved for the attempted rape scene – I swear I am not making this up.

They have cages to keep the live donors to be and yet for no apparent reason, they hook a woman through her jaw and hang her up. Why? Because Raff wrote it into the script.

Thora Birch is trying to be stealthy and hide from everyone while the train is stopped and the military is looking around (again do not ask). She is show very clearly at the window of the train looking horrified. Why? Because it makes a good visual shot even if it makes no logical sense.

This is all in the first two-thirds of the movie. Thankfully Alex finds a change of clothes (yes a complete change of clothes but of course absolutely NOTHING she can use as a weapon) and suddenly she is not only European but invisible and wanders the cars at will.

She opens a container that she earlier saw a heart being put into. Why? She already knows what is in it – at any rate she knows that there is not going to be a gun in there.

While I typically refrain from discussing events that happen in the third act to avoid spoilers, trust me when I say that there is just as much stupidity on display there as there was in the first two acts. In fact I would go so far as to say that the third act is even stupider and more unbelievable than the first two.

The Tag line for Train is Next Stop: Hell. Be advised – get off now while you still can.

People Watch: Thora Birch apparently got a role for her brother Bolt. He plays Monk 1.

The Lawnmower Man – King of Horror week

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This week we are covering movies based on works by Stephen King. Lawnmower Man is currently available on instant Netflix.

AVOID: The Lawnmower Man (1992) – Rated R for language, sensuality and a scene of violence.

“A developmentally disabled landscaper named Jobe (Jeff Fahey) crosses paths with an obsessed government scientist (Pierce Brosnan) who has something to prove. Thanks to brilliant lab work, the mad doctor unlocks his test subjects potential for genius — and for evil. As Jobes intelligence grows, his pent-up rage begins to boil over. Based on Stephen Kings short story of the same name, the film is a knockout vision of high-tech horror.”

“This technology was meant to expand human communication, but you are not even human any more! What you have become terrifies me. You are a freak!” – “Your naive idiocy makes me VERY ANGRY!”

Bwahaha! I hardly know where to begin with this review.

Okay first let us cover the Stephen King connection. Stephen King wrote a short story titled The Lawnmower Man. The film claimed to be based on the short story. Hysterically it only has a slight tangential connection to that story in that the events that take place in it are mentioned briefly in the film.

Naturally, Stephen King sued (successfully) and had his name removed from the film. This however has not stopped Netflix and others from describing this as a Stephen King flick.

The opening scene where our scientist has used “aggression drugs” on his lab monkey is absolutely hysterical. The monkey apparently had too much because, while wearing a goofy virtual reality outfit, finishes the program, escapes, and grabs a handgun from the holster of a guard and blows his head off.

Brett Leonard is responsible for this unintentional laugh fest. He not only directed but co-wrote it with producer Gimel Everett. Keep in mind when watching this (if you must) that the King story was not even about virtual reality.

Strangely this is a virtual reality update of the classic science fiction story, “Flowers for Algernon” by Daniel Keyes. Only in addition to becoming more intelligent, Jobe also becomes EVIL!

This is because apparently giving someone the ability to learn Latin (or anything else) in two hours is not enough of a military operation. This causes the military to switch the drugs they are giving Jobe into the “aggression” ones they gave the monkey that worked out so well in the opening scene.

Not content with botching this movie about virtual reality, Brett Leonard would go on to make Virtuosity, another bad virtual reality movie.

Pierce Brosnan is actually pretty terrible here as the scientist. I think it might be because he was embarrassed by the script. Perhaps real cutting edge techno-scientists do not have a game room/laboratory that looks dated even for 1992. Thankfully Brosnan caught his TV-to-movie career break when he was picked as the new Bond for Goldeneye.

Jeff Fahey is fun as Jobe. He definitely does not give the heartfelt performance that Cliff Robertson gave in Charly (the real adaptation of Flowers for Algernon) but he has a keen grasp of B-movie acting. He is in really good shape here and has quite a stare with those striking ice blue eyes of his. Currently Fahey can be seen as Frank Lapidus on Lost.

Also having fun here is a very attractive Jenny Wright as the sexually adventurous Marnie Burke. Veteran character actor Geoffrey Lewis plays Terry McKeen, a sort of father figure to Jobe.

The plot makes almost no sense. They throw in every possible lawnmower reference they can even though that did not really have anything to do with the King story.

Apparently as soon as you become halfway intelligent, you realize that maybe you want to cut the hair BLOCKING YOUR VISION! After that when you become evil, you apparently acquire a new hairdo as well.

The final act is ridiculous beyond comprehension and I mean literally beyond comprehension. There are a dozen or so guards armed with shotguns just standing in the open doing nothing. When their heads begin bothering them, they cannot think clearly enough to shoot the approaching vehicle but apparently have the presence of mind to move out of the way. Immediately after that they have no problem shooting at something else.

Is there any cliche more hackneyed than the bomb on a timer? Seriously does no one use remote detonators? Heck even a length of fuse would work better.

Later Dr. Angelo (Brosnan) does something inexplicably moronic BECAUSE THE SCRIPT TELLS HIM TO. Unfortunately this too close to the end for me to discuss without spoilers.

People Watch: Doug Hutchison has a small role here as a Security Tech. He would later play the uber-creepy Eugene Victor Tooms on two episodes of X-Files and Horace Goodspeed in seven episodes of Lost.

Zontar: Thing from Venus – Solar System week

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In honor of my father-in-law, a retired professor of astronomy, this week we will spend exploring our solar system in movies. Today we voyage to Venus. Zontar: Thing from Venus is currently available on instant Netflix.

AVOID: Zontar: Thing from Venus (1965) – NR – Not rated.

“When a creepy batlike monster from Venus named Zontar plots to take over the world and turn all earthlings into mindless drones, it is up to scientist Curt Taylor (John Agar) to foil the interplanetary menace. But Taylors task becomes harder when his deranged colleague Keith Ritchie (Tony Huston) abets the creature, believing its conquest of the planet will benefit mankind. Larry Buchanan directs this deliriously schlocky sci-fi flick. “

“He knows exactly what he wants and he is about to make a move to get it. And although his name is untranslatable to any Earth language, it would sound something like Zontar. “

Who would have thought that the 1956 Roger Corman cheapie It Conquered the World would need remaking? Well apparently it did. Instead of Peter Graves, Lee Van Cleef, and Beverly Garland, we have ummm John Agar I guess.

While many actors went from humble B-movie beginnings to stardom in movies or television, John Agar remained firmly a B-movie actor for 57 years. He starred in many westerns but is most remembered for his many science fiction outings. Appearing in such movies as “Tarantula”, “Revenge of the Creature”, “The Mole People”, “The Brain from Planet Arous”, “Attack of the Puppet People” and many more, I regularly saw him on Saturday afternoon television.

He married Shirley Temple (yes that Shirley Temple) in 1945 and got his first acting gig in 1948. He worked nearly constantly after that and he divorced Shirley Temple in 1949. I mention all of this because he is the only competent actor in Zontar and the only thing of any interest as well. Plus he apparently can karate chop a General unconscious just like that.

All of the other actors not only seem to be reading directly from the script but also do not appear to be interacting with each other at all. Also their inflection varies from line to line which is very funny to listen to.

Of course all of this can be laid at the feet of Larry Buchanan who not only directed but also co-wrote this travesty. From 1961-1964, his directorial credits are, in order, “The Naked Witch”, “Common Law Wife”, “Free, White and 21″, “Naughty Dallas”, and “Under Age”. He also wrote most of them. I just love that series of titles – I have not actually seen any of those. they are not even listed on Netflix much less available.

The most annoying thing about Zontar is that the film is constantly jumping up and down off and on for about half the film. Watching it gave me a headache (oh the sacrifices I make for my 3.7 readers).

The bat on a string concept worked so well for the Universal movies of the 30s and 40s that it has been brought back here in 1965 for the flying pieces of Zontar that turn people into mindless zombies. Unfortunately you cannot really tell much difference between pre-zombie line readings and post-zombie mind readings.

While there are other reasons to Avoid Zontar, the headache-inducing judder is enough reason by itself.

The basic material in this movie is much better handled in any of the four Invasion of the Body Snatchers adaptations.

People Watch: Bill Thurman who plays Sheriff Brad Crenshaw here and has small parts in many other Larry Buchanan films pops up in Silverado as Carter and Close Encounters of the Third Kind as “Air Traffic”.

Battlefield Earth – Solar System week

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In honor of my father-in-law, a retired professor of astronomy, this week we will spend exploring our solar system in the movies. Today we will visit our home planet Earth. Battlefield Earth is currently available on instant Netflix.

AVOID: Battlefield Earth (2000) – Rated PG-13 for adult content, adult language and violence.

“In the year 2000, an alien race known as the Psychlos devastated Earth and turned it into a wasteland. In the year 3000, the aliens — led by the horrific Terl (John Travolta) — still hold the surviving human population hostage and have forced Earthlings into slavery. But when human Johnny Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper) discovers the aliens major weakness and leads the final fight for Earths survival, the parasitic Psychlos are in for a shock.”

“I am sorry – the gods took your father in the night.”

“I am sorry. I cannot take you Chrissy.”

I am so sorry if you had the misfortune of seeing this film.

First off the official title is Battlefield Earth – A Saga of the Year 3000. How positively generic. If you still did not get it then the first text onscreen is “Man is an endangered species”. The alien race are Psychlos so you know they are not good. Our hero is Jonny Goodboy Tyler. I understand that subtlety is not a strong suit for many but this is some serious overkill.

This film is sooooooo bad. I have not read the book by L. Ron Hubbard but this inane plot had to have come from somewhere so he definitely has to share the blame. Especially since they rejected the screenplay written by J.D. Shapiro as not being faithful enough to the book.

They have a deus ex machina in an alien device that teaches Jonny not only to speak Psychlo but also teaches him (and this had me laughing hysterically) Euclidian geometry (among other things). So apparently after Euclid, a Greek, developed geometry, he must have left the planet to teach the aliens geometry since they named theirs after Euclid as well.

There is another real head-scratcher as well. Perhaps it is better explained in the book but there is no indication that the alien device would teach Jonny how to read English (or that he would have time to do so after being shown a human repository of knowledge). Strangely Jonny knows that gold was stored a thousand years ago in Fort Knox.

Another character – a human savage – refers to something as “a piece of cake”. Really? Terl refers to the humans constantly as “man animals”. Do we refer to elephants as “elephant animals”?

Jonny teaches the other savages how to fly jets (I swear I am not making this up) by using a simulator from a thousand years ago (still not sure what power source it uses). Oh and he does this in a week – obviously our Air Force spends far too much on training. This is so they can properly use the 1,000 year old jets with 1,000 year old jet fuel in them.

Please note that these jets were completely ineffective in 2000 at the time of the Psychlo invasion. In fact, Terl states that humanity put up a fight for only nine minutes.

Battlefield Earth swept the Razzies in 2001. It won Worst Picture, Worst Director, Worst Actor – John Travolta, Worst Screenplay, and Worst Supporting Actress – Kelly Preston. The only reason Forest Whitaker did not win his Worst Supporting Actor nomination was that Barry Pepper won it by being even worse. The most amusing Razzie was that Battlefield Earth won Worst Couple – John Travolta and anyone sharing the screen with him.

In 2005 Battlefield Earth won a Razzie for Worst Drama of Our First 25 Years. It won again in 2010 for Worst Picture of the Decade and Worst Actor of the Decade – John Travolta. At the Razzies, Battlefield Earth was referred to as Plan 9 from L. Ron Hubbard.

What happened to John Travolta? He made a fabulous career comeback in 1994 with Pulp Fiction. He had some great roles right after that in Get Shorty, Broken Arrow, Phenomenon and Michael. He did an excellent nuanced Clinton impersonation in Primary Colors (1998).

Then Travolta went kablooey. He was abominable here, awful in Swordfish, dreadful in Domestic Disturbance, and cringe-worthy in the remake of The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3. He even revisited (poorly) his character of Chili Palmer from Get Shorty in the sequel Be Cool.

I think I could write an entire week on just the different facets of this awful movie. AVOID at all costs!

People Watch: Kelly Preston, wife of John Travolta and fellow Scientologist, has a brief but painfully funny role as Chirk.

Valhalla Rising – Actionfest Week

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I am still pretty high from Actionfest last weekend. Instead of my usual instant Netflix films, I am reviewing the movies I saw at Actionfest. Valhalla Rising is one of the films that I saw.

AVOID: Valhalla Rising (2009) – NR – Not rated but full of bloody brutal violence.

“After years of slavery, Viking warrior One-Eye (Mads Mikkelsen) escapes from his captors and seeks refuge on a Norse ship bound for his homeland. When a storm throws them off course, the crew lands at a mysterious realm inhabited by invisible demons. As the bloodthirsty creatures claim one sailor after another, One-Eye rediscovers his fighting spirit but begins to wonder if they have all crossed over to the afterlife.”

I was really looking forward to this movie. Who does not like Vikings? It is directed by acclaimed director Nicholas Winding Refn (the Pusher trilogy – well-reviewed though I have not seen it yet). It also stars Madds Mikkelsen, an actor I enjoyed in Clash of the Titans and Casino Royale.

Well I know it could not last forever. I finally hit a bad movie at Actionfest (two actually – I have added The Stranger as a postscript to this one).

I was flabbergasted when I saw the good reviews on this film. I would wonder if I had missed something that others had seen except that this was the ONLY Actionfest film where I saw people walk out during it. A good quarter of the audience left before the end. Those that left missed an incredibly fun portion of the film (more on that later).

This film is not just bad, it is jaw-droppingly bad. The production values, action sequences and acting are all fine. The writing and, more to the point, the direction are abominable. Refn not only directed but co-wrote this travesty.

If I had to describe Valhalla Rising in one word, it would have to be pretentious. It thinks it is so much better than it actually is. We have huge pauses nearly constantly where nothing at all happens – including dialogue.

Not only does our main character One-Eye not speak during the film but director Refn clearly told Mikkelsen to have nothing but a stern expression on his face the entire movie. Have you ever seen a mute character not attempt to communicate in any way? One-Eye not only does not speak, he does not gesture or show emotion.

The fun part came after the halfway mark. During the screening I was in, they had a problem with the film. While they fixed the film, the automated Chuck Norris previews came on. Once the film was fixed we had the video for Valhalla Rising but for several minutes they had the Chuck Norris audio on instead of Valhalla Rising.

This made the film an absolute howl and everyone who had stoically endured Valhalla Rising to this point was laughing hysterically. This actually redeemed Valhalla Rising in my eyes but sadly they realized their error after a few minutes and the Valhalla audio came back.

One could literally edit Valhalla Rising down to a 30 minute running time without losing any action, dialogue, or meaning. Take all the worst parts of European cinema of the last half century (unnecessarily lengthy scenes, scenes where people just stare at each other, completely pointless dream sequences, severe closeups) and apply to them to a viking epic.

I am also using the term epic extremely loosely as it is just a single ship with less than a dozen people that sets sail for Jerusalem from “The Far North”. Say what?

When the ship is becalmed, you do not even notice as the film itself was becalmed quite a bit beforehand.

In addition to all of the pauses, the film also features several prophetic sequences which are just bits of a future scene to which a red filter has been applied.

Much of the film reminded me of a scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. There is a scene in Grail with one of the knights running up to a castle and it is replayed endlessly while the guards look on with the knight never reaching the castle. Then all of a sudden, the knight reaches the gate and kills a guard. A lot of Valhalla is like that only not as funny.

As part of the “high art”, the film is broken into six parts, each with a label. Part six is titled “The Sacrifice” which is how I felt about the time I had devoted to this film.

Normally I refrain from any comments on how a film ends to avoid spoilers. I will say that part of the film ends inconclusively but it really just elicited a shrug from me.

Avoid Valhalla Rising.

Retrograde – The Expendables week

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In tribute to the incredible cast Sylvester Stallone has lined up for his latest film, this is The Expendables week. Today our expendable is Dolph Lundgren. Retrograde is currently available on instant Netflix.

AVOID: Retrograde (2004) – Rated R for violence, language and some drug use.

“Dolph Lundgren stars as John Foster, a time traveler stationed in the Antarctic who leads a team on a desperate mission into the past to prevent present-day contamination from a deadly space-borne virus. But when one of his men revolts, the teams actions in the past threaten to change the present in disastrous ways. Silvia De Santis, Joe Montana and Gary Daniels co-star in Christopher Kulikowskis sci-fi adventure.”

“You dont have a future Dalton”

Lol. Their “time machine” is a spaceship. My guess is that it was leftover from another movie.

Ugh. The supporting cast all seem to be reading off of cue cards and enunciating clearly and loudly.

Omg. Dolph opens an airlock which sends one baddie into space. The other two villains have no problem holding on not to mention no problems with pressure/temperature/air.

Hrm. I love how we have to show flashbacks to explain how someone hit their head. We even have flashbacks to events that happened literally seconds before.

Meh. Every set in the film looks utterly generic. Even the Antarctic ice is generic.

Ack. Did you know that in the future soldiers wear motorcycle jackets and pants as uniforms?

How? How does time keep changing throughout the film. For hilarious results watch the time on the clocks and watches.

Why? If the rest of the crew was due to be revived in an hour and they are all bad guys, why did the few awake bad guys make their move before the revival?

Who? Someone decided to color code the bad guys (they wear all black) and the fodder (black and red). This is uniformly (teehee) true except for the two pilots where they appear to be wearing each others jackets.

Brb. One character flees down a corridor and gets shot at the end. The only problem is he makes no attempt at all to turn the corner. My guess is that the squibs went off a bit too late.

Bad. My verdict on the film.

I think that the people behind this movie fondly remember Timecop with Van Damme and got Dolph Lundgren because he costarred with Van Damme in Universal Soldier.

Dolph does shine here as, with one exception, he is a better actor than the rest (trust me that is not saying much). It is a shame that instant Netflix does not have Masters of the Universe or I Come in Peace available as those are campy fun Lundgren extravaganzas.

Gary Daniels, another direct to video star, appears here as Markus. He also appears as the Brit in The Expendables.

AVOID this movie, it is quite bad.

People Watch: Our expendable, Dolph, has quite a number of other films available on instant Netflix. Currently available are Rocky IV, Diamond Dogs, Command Performance, and Direct Contact. I am going to guess that any of them would be a better bet than this one.