Airplane vs. Volcano – Marc vs. The Asylum

Airplane vs. Volcano is currently available on instant Netflix

Airplane vs Volcano

 

Airplane vs. Volcano (2014) – Not rated

A commercial airliner enters dangerous territory over a ring of active volcanoes, which prevent them from escaping to safety and landing.

The pilot, he’s knocked unconscious but everything is okay. If there’s anybody able to give us a hand with any medical training, please help us out” – “That’s a volcano!”

Since the recent Asteroid vs. Earth was from The Asylum, it should come as no surprise that this too is an Asylum production. It honestly takes less than a minute to be ridiculous. A man buries seismic sensors in about three inches of sand (that’s what I hate about Asylum – they can’t even be bothered to try). The sensors pick up vibrations (no, not of the guy walking around though I wouldn’t blame you for thinking that) and then the guy notices that the water is roiling and there are two new islands. Ow, my brain hurts. That is all within the first minute.

The exterior shots show a huge jumbo jet but the interior is a tiny fraction of that space. I was envious of the leg room that the passengers had. Well, until they encountered the volcano anyway.

The usual direct-to-video suspects, Dean Cain and Robin Givens, are present. Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, who plays Jim Kirkland, was also Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington in the old Welcome Back, Kotter series. He is actually pretty good as is Tamara Goodwin, who plays the lone stewardess. Several of the other actors are low-budget veterans.

Airplane vs. Volcano is really bad but it is more entertaining than most Asylum entries. It was also bad enough to have me laughing in several spots. They do run through all the old cliches of the 70s airline disasters (engines leaking fuel, radio down, autopilot not working, pilot and co-pilot taken out, etc.) and the ones that Airplane spoofed so well. It honestly seems as though the Kondelik brothers (writers and directors) simply created a checklist of things to go wrong and inserted them into the ‘script’. By the way, Airplane II is currently available on instant Netflix so surely you should just go watch that.

When they run out of disaster cliches, they simply open the airplane door in midflight and send a passenger out to repair the plane with his tools in the middle of the volcanic eruption. Don’t worry though – they have tied him a safety line comprised of a series of seatbelts. No, I am not kidding and this is only shortly past the halfway point.

The non-airplane parts are just dreadful and poorly acted but not in funny ways. The cloud reaching the beach had dreadfully bad special effects. The army actors are especially bad.

If you want to laugh at a bad movie, this will fit the bill. Otherwise, avoid.

 

 

Battle of the Damned Sharknado 2 – you lose!

Battle of the Damned and Sharknado 2 are not on Netflix but I watched them last week while I was ill.

Battle of the Damned

 

Battle of the Damned (2013) – Rated R

Following a deadly viral outbreak, private military soldier Max Gatling leads a handful of survivors and a ragtag band of robots against an army of the infected.”

Battle of the Damned is a severely schizophrenic film. Writer/director/producer Christopher Hatton crafts a pretty standard zombie scenario here. A mercenary team led by Max Gatling (Dolph Lundgren) goes into a city quarantined because of a virus outbreak that naturally turns the inhabitants into zombies. Having watched it, I am unsure how the city could possibly have been quarantined – particularly when the outbreak spreads quite rapidly but I digress.

Naturally, his team doesn’t make it far but Gatling meets up with some other survivors and decides to high-tail it out of quarantine land. Again pretty standard zombie fare. The picture is low budget but filmed well. Zombie action isn’t bad but nothing impressive either. That’s when the picture takes a left turn into crazy town. Gatling and crew encounter a team of life-saving robots.

This gonzo move held my attention for the rest of the movie. No, Battle of the Damned is not particularly good but it is a darn sight better than any of Asylum’s offerings.

Speaking of Asylum…

Sharknado 2

 

Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014) – Rated TV-14

A freak weather system turns its deadly fury on New York City, unleashing a Sharknado on the population and its most cherished, iconic sites – and only Fin and April can save the Big Apple.”

I want to reiterate that Asylum’s Sharknado (and by extension almost any other Asylum production) was really just a bad film with a funny concept and name. It did not take proper advantage of the premise in spite of a few minorly amusing scenes.

Sharknado 2 embraces its stupidity, even in the title. Asylum finally found out how to do a bad B-movie (more than half a century after Corman and others learned how). Most of Asylum’s offerings are advertised in such a way that you will think they are so bad that they are funny. Only after sitting through them do you discover that they were just plain bad.

Sharknado 2 is the film that is so dumb, it becomes funny. The movie is filled with cameos done with a wink and a nod. Robert Hays plays a pilot. Judd Hirsch plays a taxi driver. Subway’s Jared is shown eating a sub in the subway. Wil Wheaton, after joking about it on The Big Bang Theory, appears here as do a slew of other guest stars.

The writers here had a lot of fun. Characters are named after ones in Jaws. They filmed the movie in the winter so they just threw a second storm, a vicious cold front, into the story. There are riffs here on Jaws, Happy Days, Airplane, Taxi Driver, and more. The silliness is ridiculously over the top as our hero can apparently do every job known to man, including that of airline pilot.

Finally an Asylum movie you can watch, laugh at, and enjoy!

A Fantastic Fear of Everything Jailbait

Jailbait and A Fantastic Fear of Everything are currently available on instant Netflix

Jailbait

 

Jailbait (2013) – Not Rated

Relentlessly abused by her stepfather, Anna is ultimately driven to kill him and lands at a dangerously sadistic juvenile detention center.

Okay who can resist the title, “Jailbait”? The Asylum Presents…Quick turn it off, turn it off! Just FYI the “relentlessly abused by her stepfather” portion of the film is over by the second minute of film. This atrocity to celluloid is brought to you by writer/director Jared Cohn.

Hrrrm. Asylum ripping off the major studios I understand but now they are ripping off Netflix itself and then selling the ripoff back to Netflix. They even prominently display “In the vein of Orange is the New Black” on the poster while featuring a young woman in a prison orange jumpsuit labeled both innocent and guilty.

While the lady playing Anna (Sara Malakul Lane) is attractive, she is also a 30-year-old playing a teenager. Erin O’Brien, who plays Kody, another juvenile offender, is 33. Not one of the actresses in the juvenile facility appears to be under twenty. While Jailbait is blessedly free of Asylum’s standard awful CGI, would it have killed them to hire a fight co-ordinator?

For those into that, there are ample displays of nudity and the usual cliched assortment of prison brutalities. Unfortunately, in a complete opposite of Orange is the New Black, the actresses are simply awful. It feels like they were all given drugs before allowing them to read off cue cards.

What’s next Asylum? Domicile of Dominoes? Apprehended Growth?

A Fantastic Fear

A Fantastic Fear of Everything (2012) – Rated R

While researching a book on Victorian-era murderers, author Jack Nife comes to fear they’re really stalking him and grows agoraphobic.

There’s a really great movie to be made of this subject matter. Unfortunately this isn’t it. Crispian Mills is writer, director, and producer here. He does make amusing use of some Goreyesque illustrations.

Simon Pegg is perfectly cast as Jack the paranoid author. He helps make the film fun as always but anyone expecting a brilliant satire like Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, or even Paul, will be disappointed. Part of the miscue is that Jack doesn’t slowly go insane – he starts off nuts.

To handicap the film further, Jack is also intensely stupid. Discovering that his clothing reeks like garbage, he washes it in the sink (reasonable) and then places the clothing in the oven with an open flame, without using a container – something no one would actually do. This type of behavior occurs frequently and is meant to be funny but just pulls the viewer out of the film.

Dreams and flashbacks are occasionally handled well but are just as likely to be bungled. I would love to see the film that A Fantastic Fear of Everything should have been but this is just meh.

 

Attila’s Exit to Hell

Attila and Exit to Hell are currently available on instant Netflix

Attila

 

Attila (2013) – Not rated

When American soldiers inadvertently steal Attila the Hun’s secret riches, the wrath of the barbarian is awakened, and the mummified warrior will stop at nothing to get back what is his.”

Roger Corman has famously said that none of his films ever lost money. I have to imagine that that is true of Asylum movies as well. I think Asylum presells their movies based on title alone (occasionally title and guest star), collects fees from Syfy and Netflix, and then turns the handcrank on their movie production machine, changing raw material into an unrecognizable hunk of garbage, and pocketing the money.

I did not actually get through the first minute of this cinematic before I was laughing uncontrollably. Attila’s first line of dialogue is “AAAAAAAAA!” which sums up how I feel about Asylum’s pictures. Then came this nugget in voiceover:

Attila’s personal Hun army rarely needed weaponry in battle. They were the weapon.”

It then shows armies charging into battle and punching their enemies in the stomach (for some reason the Hun’s enemies also fought without weapons). Apparently winning their battle, they proceed to punch and kick their way through a village with some ludicrous CGI blood spatter. Rarely have I seen a movie go off the rails in the first minute. Congratulations Asylum!

Exit to Hell

Exit to Hell (2013) – Rated TV-MA

Four creative criminals use an old angle to work a new heist, taking jobs in a gangster-run strip club prior to sticking up the place. When the robbery turns into a bloodbath, the gang escapes only as far as the deadly town of Redstone.

Exit to Hell begins with a really cheap-looking horror movie. I resisted the urge to turn it off long enough for it to become apparent that it was a movie the characters were watching. Unfortunately once in the movie proper, it doesn’t look much more expensive.

Obviously writer/director/editor/producer Robert Conway is trying for a grindhouse aesthetic here. He uses some scratchy film and bleached out colors a la Robert Rodriguez. There are also a lot of other things copied from/inspired by Rodriguez. The film borrows heavily from From Dusk til Dawn, Grindhouse, and others.

Exit to Hell stars Kane Hodder (Jason in four Friday the 13th movies, Hatchet 1-3), Tiffany Shepis (tons of horror movies, none of them memorable), and Rena Riffel (Showgirls, Striptease, The Pornographer). Acting seems to be an all-or-nothing approach, either over the top or reading from a prompt.

Unfortunately there isn’t a cohesive story to tie this string of incidents together. I applaud Conway’s efforts but ultimately this film isn’t worth your time.

 

The 7 Battle Age Adventures of Sinbad Dogs & Asylum Dinosaurs

Age of Dinosaurs, Battle Dogs, and The 7 Adventures of Sinbad are currently available on instant Netflix

Age of DinosaursAge of Dinosaurs (2013) – Not rated

Using breakthrough flesh-regeneration technology, a biotech firm creates a set of living dinosaurs. But when the creatures escape their museum exhibit and terrorize Los Angeles, a former firefighter must rescue his teenage daughter from the chaos.

Okay let’s pretend that this exists in a world where Michael Crichton never wrote Jurassic Park. Even then, this is a really terrible movie. There is no actual disaster that releases these dinosaurs from their warehouse prison. There is just a minor mishap and they realize that they can leave.

At one point, in order to keep her safe, Gabe (Treat Williams) locks his daughter in what appears to be an airtight box…and then leaves! Stupidity abounds here as well as Asylum’s tacky special effects. Avoid.

The 7 Adventures of SinbadThe 7 Adventures of Sinbad (2010) – Rated PG-13

In this updated version of the classic tale that’s loaded with action and monsters, modern-day shipping magnate Sinbad must complete seven immense tasks in order to avert a catastrophe that threatens to wipe out the world’s population.

Let’s take one of the most beloved films of my childhood, The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, and severely dumb it down. Let’s take Ray Harryhausen’s incredible hand-crafted miniatures and painstaking stop-motion photography and substitute $0.98 worth of CGI. Let’s take Bernard Herrman’s wonderful score and jettison it in favor of something generic. Let’s take the exotic setting and update it to the modern seas. Let’s take our swashbuckling hero Sinbad and make him a rich jerk.

Let’s take this Asylum monstrosity out and burn it.

BattledogsBattledogs (aka Battle Dogs, 2013) – Not Rated

“All of Manhattan is quarantined when the Lupine Virus spreads like wildfire, turning innocent civilians into ravenous wolf-men. Nothing short of a nuclear blast can stop the monstrous virus — unless someone finds a cure.”

Another Asylum dog if you’ll forgive me, Battledogs at least has an original idea. It is essentially a zombie movie with the zombies replaced by werewolves.

In addition to a somewhat novel concept, Asylum also offers up more than their usual one or two recognizable faces. Craig Sheffer and Kate (daughter of John) Vernon are the stars here. Bill Duke plays the President. Dennis Haysbert, who was the President on 24, plays Lt. General Monning. Ernie (Ghostbusters) Hudson, Ariana (Jurassic Park) Richards and Wes (Last of the Mohicans) Studi are also in it.

This is an Asylum movie, it is stupid and the special effects are dodgy but I will say that this is one of their better efforts.

100,030,000 Leagues Under the BC Sea

100 Million BC and 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea are currently available on instant Netflix

100 Million BC100 Million BC (2008) – Rated R

One-Line Review: Stupid but much better than 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea

Not to be confused with the big budget film, 10,000 BC, a scientist and a team of Navy SEALs get more than they bargained for when they travel back in time to save a group of researchers in this B-movie horror.

Okay when movie descriptions start with “Not to be confused with”, you know that they are talking about an Asylum film. I swore off Asylum films a long time ago as they are the gold standard of bad movies. I’ve been giving them another shot lately as the cultural popularity of Sharknado has given them a bit of credibility (sadly).

Michael Gross is obviously just collecting a paycheck here but even so he outshines the rest of the cast. Dinosaurs are a familiar part of Asylum’s repertoire and apparently don’t require much of a plot. The science in this movie is hilarious.

I understand that we would be ill equipped as a society if a Tyrannosaurus Rex just suddenly popped out of nowhere into our world but would a handful of people with no weapons really do a better job than our military? There are so many moments in this picture that make you want to bang your head against a wall. I think I’ll move on to the next travesty of a movie.

30,000 Leagues30,000 Leagues Under the Sea (2007) – Rated TV-14

One Line Review: Only exceeded in stupidity by Allan Quatermain

Lt. Aronnaux and the crew of the Aquanaut submarine are charged with recovering a missing vessel, downed by a mysterious robotic squid. What they find is Captain Nemo, an undersea scoundrel eager to wreak havoc on the surface.

Another Asylum production, 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea is a good title for updating the classic Jules Verne novel. Unfortunately, as submarines are no longer a marvel, the only thing you are left to hang a movie on is megalomaniac Captain Nemo.

Captain Nemo has been assayed many times before, and well, in adaptations of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and Mysterious Island and is even a member of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. James Mason may have made the definitive portrait in Disney’s 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954) but Jose Ferrer, Robert Ryan, Patrick Stewart, and Herbert Lom have all put their spin on the role and all are enjoyable. Unfortunately Sean Lawlor does not make much of an impression here as Nemo.

Poor Lorenzo Lamas. I understand that he makes a good living with these but I would think that he would not want people to immediately think ‘direct-to-DVD’ when his name is mentioned. The acting, script, direction, and special effects are terrible. Worse, without a T-Rex, this movie is boring. Yes, there is the requisite giant squid (sometimes a squid, sometimes an octopus, go figure) but it is rarely seen.

Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls

Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls is currently available on instant Netflix.

One-Line Review: One of Asylum’s worst – I’m holding out for a hero.

Allan QuatermainAllan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls (2008) – Rated R

I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981). It was a wonderful homage to the serials of the 30s and was clearly based, at least partially, on H. Rider Haggard’s Allan Quatermain novels. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984) was a highly successful sequel with wonderful set pieces but a less than stellar plot and somewhat annoying heroine.

Piggybacking on the success of Temple of Doom, Golan Globus hired Richard Chamberlain, king of the miniseries, as Allan Quatermain and made the low budget King Solomon’s Mines (1985) with a pre-Basic Instinct Sharon Stone. This begat Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold (1986) the following year. The Golan Globus productions ape the Indiana Jones material rather than the actual novels.

Unfortunately they had no idea what made Raiders of the Lost Ark work and were dismal failures. The only thing that makes King Solomon’s Mines look good is the sequel, Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold (1986), also starring Richard Chamberlain and Sharon Stone.

Spielberg made a nice conclusion to his series with Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. There weren’t as many cool set pieces but the plot was great. Unfortunately, when you have the machinery to print money, it is very hard to resist using it. Spielberg returned once more to the well in 2008 with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Asylum, seeing a chance to repeat the Golan-Globus gambit, wrote their own Allan Quatermain story (no more copyright for Haggard) and titled it Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls thus alluding to both the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and the Temple of Doom. Now you would think that with that title, there would be a Temple of Skulls. Hilariously there is not.

As with this summer’s big budget movie, The Lone Ranger, the titular protagonist is a hopeless, clueless, annoying boob. If you want a heroic Allan Quatermain, either watch the admittedly cheesy The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen or go back to the 1950 version of King Solomon’s Mines with Stewart Granger.

I complain about Asylum’s terrible CGI all the time and this film is no different. Still I need to complain about the sound here. Asylum lifts entire native tracks from 1964’s Zulu. According to imdb, Asylum made this movie for less than $50,000. I suppose this is why they don’t have any slumming stars in it.

Side note: Erica Summers made Mister White for less than a tenth of this budget and I really enjoyed that.

One scene has quite a bit of shaky cam as there is an earthquake for no apparent reason. A huge flight of something imperils our adventurers – the CGI was so bad I could not tell if it was bees, birds, or locusts. The train fights are hilarious, second only to the anti-climactic climax in silliness.

You will be thankful that this movie has less than the usual amount of dialogue whenever the actors speak. They are simply dreadful, the script is bad, the movie is deeply anachronistic and idiotic, the CGI is expectedly awful, characters appear and disappear randomly during the movie, etc.

Those Richard Chamberlain films aren’t looking so bad now, in spite of the floating plastic vegetables in the cannibal stew. Sometimes I wish I was making this stuff up.

 

Watching Movies So You Don’t Have To

Having a rather long streak of masochism, I am braving the Asylum waters once more. Perhaps some day they will reach the level of watchable. I will probably give Sharknado a shot when it comes to Netflix. It was so popular on Syfy that it got a limited theatrical release through Fathom events.

American Warships

American Warships (2012) – Not rated

One Line Review: American Battleshi*

Not to be confused with the blockbuster Battleship, it’s up to the “USS Iowa” to fend off an army of alien invaders who are out to destroy the planet in this low-budget sci-fi thriller.”

We gotta get this old gal back to World War II configuration before we reach the museum in San Pedro so if you see anything designed after 1945, rip it out.” – Young lady addressing two other young ladies in jeans, referencing the USS Iowa. Umm, what exactly are they supposed rip out of a battleship with their fingers?

After losing contact with the Pacific Fleet, an aide grabs General Hugh McKraken jogging, take him to headquarters, get him a change of clothes and put him to work. After quite some time and several incidents later, he tells someone to wake the Secretary of Defense. How late does that guy sleep? Apparently the loss of our fleet patrolling Korea wasn’t reason enough.

Awful. Just awful. The movie continues on and on in this vein. I really need to go out to Hollywood and make a career writing ripoffs for Asylum. They tried to title this ‘American Battleship’ but that apparently trod too close, legally, to Battleship.The special effects are anything but.

Our celebrity victims here are Mario van Peebles and Carl Weathers. I’d have more respect for Asylum if they would have their celebrities show up and be killed off a la Police Squad. Carl Weathers was hilarious parodying himself in Arrested Development but here he just collects a paycheck.

The only positive thing I can say about American Warships is that it makes Battleship look Oscar-worthy by comparison.

AE: Apocalypse EarthAE: Apocalypse Earth (2013) – Not rated

One Line Review: After Earth? More like Afterbirth.

“In this post-apocalyptic sci-fi fantasy, a group of refugees from Earth lands on an exotic planet, where they must fight ruthless aliens to survive. Richard Grieco and Adrian Paul star.”

Made to cash in on this summer’s AE: After Earth, Apocalypse Earth ‘stars’ that other Highlander, Adrian Paul, and that other 21 Jump Street actor, Richard Grieco. They, at least, can handle line readings.

Special effects are better than American Warships but that isn’t much of a feat. I loved when they crash landed the ship and there was just a tiny bit of debris for Paul to arise from. All the actors are running in different directions, many times from nothing to nothing.

I will say that I was a bit harsh in my one-line review, just to be humorous. AE almost approaches watchability, which is more than most of Asylum’s movies.

Saving You Time – Jack the 500 MPH Giant Killer Storm Mountain

Here are a slew of recent drek from Asylum you should just avoid. They are all terrible and feature vapid dialog, terrible special effects, and usually a celebrity either plummeting down the list or one that has already hit rock bottom.

500 MPH Storm500 MPH Storm (2013) – Not rated

“A rise in ocean temperatures creates a massive hurricane the size of Australia that sweeps cities into the stratosphere and tears a hole in the ozone. Will this be the end for all life on earth?”

Will this be the end for all life on Earth? Honestly I don’t know. I simply could not get through it. Slummer: Casper Van Dien – where’s an unnecessary Starship Troopers 4 when you need one?

Killer MountainKiller Mountain (2011) – Not rated

When an expedition disappears on the world’s highest unclimbed mountain, an expert climber is lured out of retirement to save them. But after he hears the team’s panicked final transmission, he becomes convinced that something more sinister awaits.

Genre stalwarts Emmanuelle (Smallville, Saw 2) Vaugier and Aaron (Battlestar Galactica) Douglas at least try here. The story is the usual Syfy trash but just a little bit more watchable because it isn’t from Asylum.

Jack the Giant KillerJack the Giant Killer (2013) – Not Rated

A beanstalk brings Jack to a land in the clouds filled with evil beasts in this fantasy tale (not to be confused with the hit Jack the Giant Slayer). When the creatures make their way to Earth, Jack must follow suit to save his hometown.”

Asylum all the way baby – run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit. Obviously released to ripoff Jack the Giant Slayer. Slummer: None other than Chariot of Fire’s Ben Cross.

Up next from Asylum: Atlantic Rim – premiering days before Guillermo del Toro’s Pacific Rim. No, I’m not kidding. At least the upcoming Sharknado has a good title.

 

 

 

Seriously Just Don’t Bother – Super 40 Days and Nights of the Zombies

Ugh! The films I sit through for you, dear reader. The following films are currently available on Netflix if you are feeling masochistic.

 

40 Days and Nights40 Days and Nights (2012) – Not rated

“When a colossal tectonic shift causes the seas to rise 5,000 feet, microbiologist Tessa gathers together as much DNA as she can, while defense contractor Josh outfits a state-of-the-art “ark” in a desperate attempt to save every species on Earth.”

OMG I LOVE disaster movies and trust me this movie is a disaster. Asylum (run for your lives!) made this homage to Noah. Normally they pay a Dancing with the Stars caliber ‘star’ to appear in their films but this time they didn’t even bother with that step. Dialogue is dreadful, acting keeps pace with the dialogue, and the special effects look like they were rendered on TRS-80 CoCo. Asylum pictures are never worth your time.

Rise of the ZombiesRise of the Zombies (2012) – Not rated

“When the undead overrun San Francisco, a desperate group survives by locking themselves inside Alcatraz Prison and must gamble everything on finding a way to stop the zombie scourge before it’s too late.”

In 1977, actor Levar Burton was nominated for an Emmy for his role in Roots. Since then he starred in his iconic role as Geordi La Forge on Star Trek and has won 10 Emmy awards for Reading Rainbow. In 1980, actress Mariel Hemingway was nominated for an Oscar for her performance in Woody Allen’s Manhattan. In 2012, these two and perennial B-movie actor Danny Trejo ‘starred’ in Rise of the Zombies. What happened?

Rise of the Zombies certainly has a good premise – using Alcatraz as a modern refuge from the zombie apocalypse. Unfortunately it is made by Asylum. The special effects are bad (which is a step up from their usual awful), dialogue is atrocious, and you can tell who the name actors are because no one else can act. Absolutely not worth your time – I’ve yet to see the Asylum film that is.

Super CycloneSuper Cyclone (2012) – Not rated

“The entire East Coast of the United States faces the prospect of annihilation with a gigantic supercyclone bearing down on it. The only person capable of averting the catastrophe is a meteorologist with an untested plan for thwarting Mother Nature.”

Ack! Another Asylum feature. The terrible special effects show up in the first minute of the film with the poor acting immediately following. Our two real actors are Nicholas Turturro and Ming-Na. They fare no better than Mariel Hemingway and Levar Burton.

Step 1: Identify movie as an Asylum feature.

Step 2: Find something else to watch. *Click*