Ugh! The films I sit through for you, dear reader. The following films are currently available on Netflix if you are feeling masochistic.
40 Days and Nights (2012) – Not rated
“When a colossal tectonic shift causes the seas to rise 5,000 feet, microbiologist Tessa gathers together as much DNA as she can, while defense contractor Josh outfits a state-of-the-art “ark” in a desperate attempt to save every species on Earth.”
OMG I LOVE disaster movies and trust me this movie is a disaster. Asylum (run for your lives!) made this homage to Noah. Normally they pay a Dancing with the Stars caliber ‘star’ to appear in their films but this time they didn’t even bother with that step. Dialogue is dreadful, acting keeps pace with the dialogue, and the special effects look like they were rendered on TRS-80 CoCo. Asylum pictures are never worth your time.
Rise of the Zombies (2012) – Not rated
“When the undead overrun San Francisco, a desperate group survives by locking themselves inside Alcatraz Prison and must gamble everything on finding a way to stop the zombie scourge before it’s too late.”
In 1977, actor Levar Burton was nominated for an Emmy for his role in Roots. Since then he starred in his iconic role as Geordi La Forge on Star Trek and has won 10 Emmy awards for Reading Rainbow. In 1980, actress Mariel Hemingway was nominated for an Oscar for her performance in Woody Allen’s Manhattan. In 2012, these two and perennial B-movie actor Danny Trejo ‘starred’ in Rise of the Zombies. What happened?
Rise of the Zombies certainly has a good premise – using Alcatraz as a modern refuge from the zombie apocalypse. Unfortunately it is made by Asylum. The special effects are bad (which is a step up from their usual awful), dialogue is atrocious, and you can tell who the name actors are because no one else can act. Absolutely not worth your time – I’ve yet to see the Asylum film that is.
Super Cyclone (2012) – Not rated
“The entire East Coast of the United States faces the prospect of annihilation with a gigantic supercyclone bearing down on it. The only person capable of averting the catastrophe is a meteorologist with an untested plan for thwarting Mother Nature.”
Ack! Another Asylum feature. The terrible special effects show up in the first minute of the film with the poor acting immediately following. Our two real actors are Nicholas Turturro and Ming-Na. They fare no better than Mariel Hemingway and Levar Burton.
Step 1: Identify movie as an Asylum feature.
Step 2: Find something else to watch. *Click*