Hot off his successful turn as director and actor on Dances with Wolves (the first western my wife ever liked), Kevin Costner assayed the title role in Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves while leaving the directing chores to Kevin Reynolds. The title itself seems a dumbing down of the legend – an implication that one wouldn’t know who Robin Hood was without appending ‘Prince of Thieves’ to his name. It is yet another Robin Hood film available on instant play and in its own way is funnier than Robin Hood Men in Tights.
AVOID: Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves (1991) – Rated PG-13
“Kevin Costner stars as Sherwood Forest’s outlaw hero in this 1991 version of the classic tale of intrigue, romance and pageantry. When the dastardly Sheriff of Nottingham (Alan Rickman) murders Robin’s father, the legendary archer vows vengeance. To accomplish his mission, Robin joins forces with a band of exiled villagers (and comely Maid Marian), and together they battle to end the evil sheriff’s reign of terror.”
I hardly know where to begin. This movie is staggeringly awful. I thought it was bad in 1991 but I decided for our third entry of swashbuckler week to give it another try. Robin is played as a complete idiot – how he survived to adulthood is beyond me – even Azeem (Morgan Freeman) comments on it. At one point they mention that Robin has stolen 3-4 million over the past 5 months. King Richard’s ransom was only 150,000 marks just as a point of reference. Shortly after that they ooh and aah over a tiny chest of money they recover – which would barely even be noticeable at the rate they are supposedly stealing money. Friar Tuck has no problems murdering – no self-defense here – a member of the clergy. A scribe uses modern contractions on paper and the bishop uses the word husband in the marriage ceremony. I could spend an entire day cataloging the anachronisms and then another day cataloging all the continuity errors (Kevin’s hair is wet! it’s dry! it’s wet! it’s dry! plus checkout his Speedo tan line in the nude scene.). There is even a late for the 80s training montage thrown in the mix!
They give Sir Guy of Gisbourne bad teeth to show that he’s evil as Robin who has clearly been in prison quite a while in the holy land has good teeth. In a move straight out of a Bond film, The Sheriff of Nottingham is so evil that he kills his own men. The Sheriff claims to belong to the old religion – a reference to paganism and/or Celtic beliefs and yet he is shown with a witch in front of an inverted cross. He also appears to only have about 6 henchmen until he takes Robin’s camp completely by surprise with dozens of his own men plus hired Celts (hundreds of years anachronistic but hey why stop now) and catapults. How you surprise a camp hidden in the middle of a forest with catapults is only one of the many mysteries in this film. They don’t even bother with Prince John as the Sheriff himself plans to be king. Heck they even reveal later that he isn’t even the Sheriff. He is most put out when Robin interrupts him trying to rape Marian while being married on the church floor. No seriously!
It is also hard to find a movie that reeks more of political correctness than this one. Presumably to balance out people who might be aware of the Christian atrocities during the Crusades, Robin is given a Moor companion, Azeem (Morgan Freeman). In jail all the Christians are bound with chains bolted to the wall but the Moor who is under a sentence of death is merely tied with a bit of rawhide. Azeem spends the entire film spouting platitudes and even, in one howlingly funny scene, performs a C-Section. According to Wikipedia. the first successful C-section in which the mother survived occurred during the 1500s. Azeem also sports a telescope! And makes incredible explosives! And spouts off about FREEDOM! in fluent English! The truth is that Robin is just a hindrance and Azeem could probably have taken Nottingham single-handedly. Maid Marian fights Robin while dressed as a man in her first scene and is shown to be a capable fighter in another later scene. They also take great pains to point out that Robin is rich and privileged.
And then there is the ‘acting’. Kevin Costner mugs his way through the whole film. Morgan Freeman tries to keep a straight face while speaking wisely. Christian Slater shouts and snarls every line that he is given. The only ray of light is Alan Rickman who seems to realize just how awful this movie is and is determined to outdo it with his performance.
People Watch: Sean Connery has an unbilled cameo as King Richard and Brian Blessed has a brief role as Lord Locksley (who must have dropped Robin on his head repeatedly as a young child)
