I am still pretty high from Actionfest last weekend. Instead of my usual instant Netflix films, I am reviewing the movies I saw at Actionfest. Valhalla Rising is one of the films that I saw.

AVOID: Valhalla Rising (2009) – NR – Not rated but full of bloody brutal violence.

“After years of slavery, Viking warrior One-Eye (Mads Mikkelsen) escapes from his captors and seeks refuge on a Norse ship bound for his homeland. When a storm throws them off course, the crew lands at a mysterious realm inhabited by invisible demons. As the bloodthirsty creatures claim one sailor after another, One-Eye rediscovers his fighting spirit but begins to wonder if they have all crossed over to the afterlife.”

I was really looking forward to this movie. Who does not like Vikings? It is directed by acclaimed director Nicholas Winding Refn (the Pusher trilogy – well-reviewed though I have not seen it yet). It also stars Madds Mikkelsen, an actor I enjoyed in Clash of the Titans and Casino Royale.

Well I know it could not last forever. I finally hit a bad movie at Actionfest (two actually – I have added The Stranger as a postscript to this one).

I was flabbergasted when I saw the good reviews on this film. I would wonder if I had missed something that others had seen except that this was the ONLY Actionfest film where I saw people walk out during it. A good quarter of the audience left before the end. Those that left missed an incredibly fun portion of the film (more on that later).

This film is not just bad, it is jaw-droppingly bad. The production values, action sequences and acting are all fine. The writing and, more to the point, the direction are abominable. Refn not only directed but co-wrote this travesty.

If I had to describe Valhalla Rising in one word, it would have to be pretentious. It thinks it is so much better than it actually is. We have huge pauses nearly constantly where nothing at all happens – including dialogue.

Not only does our main character One-Eye not speak during the film but director Refn clearly told Mikkelsen to have nothing but a stern expression on his face the entire movie. Have you ever seen a mute character not attempt to communicate in any way? One-Eye not only does not speak, he does not gesture or show emotion.

The fun part came after the halfway mark. During the screening I was in, they had a problem with the film. While they fixed the film, the automated Chuck Norris previews came on. Once the film was fixed we had the video for Valhalla Rising but for several minutes they had the Chuck Norris audio on instead of Valhalla Rising.

This made the film an absolute howl and everyone who had stoically endured Valhalla Rising to this point was laughing hysterically. This actually redeemed Valhalla Rising in my eyes but sadly they realized their error after a few minutes and the Valhalla audio came back.

One could literally edit Valhalla Rising down to a 30 minute running time without losing any action, dialogue, or meaning. Take all the worst parts of European cinema of the last half century (unnecessarily lengthy scenes, scenes where people just stare at each other, completely pointless dream sequences, severe closeups) and apply to them to a viking epic.

I am also using the term epic extremely loosely as it is just a single ship with less than a dozen people that sets sail for Jerusalem from “The Far North”. Say what?

When the ship is becalmed, you do not even notice as the film itself was becalmed quite a bit beforehand.

In addition to all of the pauses, the film also features several prophetic sequences which are just bits of a future scene to which a red filter has been applied.

Much of the film reminded me of a scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. There is a scene in Grail with one of the knights running up to a castle and it is replayed endlessly while the guards look on with the knight never reaching the castle. Then all of a sudden, the knight reaches the gate and kills a guard. A lot of Valhalla is like that only not as funny.

As part of the “high art”, the film is broken into six parts, each with a label. Part six is titled “The Sacrifice” which is how I felt about the time I had devoted to this film.

Normally I refrain from any comments on how a film ends to avoid spoilers. I will say that part of the film ends inconclusively but it really just elicited a shrug from me.

Avoid Valhalla Rising.