Bermuda Tentacles

Bermuda Tentacles is currently available on instant Netflix

Bermuda Tentacles

 

Bermuda Tentacles (2013) – Not rated

When Air Force One goes down over the Bermuda Triangle, the Navy sends its best rescue team. But in saving the President, the team awakens a monster that threatens the entire eastern seaboard.”

I wish I could quit you, Asylum. Okay, I actually wish for good/better health, long life, and perhaps the usual more money than I know what to do with but you get the picture. Why oh why do I still bother to review these things. A few of them have been passable wastes of time but so far only one was actually enjoyable (Sharknado 2) and not because it was good.

Many of Asylum’s offerings make for entertaining trailers but that is pretty much it. Airplane vs. Volcano, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, and Asteroid vs. Earth were all rather painful to sit through.

The one good thing I can say about Asylum productions is that they usually let you know just how bad they are going to be within the first five minutes. They don’t disappoint here – from a non-existent storm passing by a stationary Air Force One to some truly pathetic CGI to some rapid fire exposition as they jettison the President before the downing of Air Force One, all of that is accomplished in under two minutes.

Bermuda Tentacles has the usual assortment of former stars and B-listers. Noted character actor John Savage plays President DeSteno. Former Terminator lead and Beauty of Beauty and the Beast, Linda Hamilton clocks in as Admiral Linda Hansen. Jamie Kennedy pops up as the unconvincing albeit amusing Dr. Zimmer. Equally unconvincing is pop star Mya as Lt. Plumber. Still they are wonderful compared to the non-name actors.

For a movie titled Bermuda Tentacles, one would think that those effects at least would be halfway decent. They aren’t. The tentacles glow and shimmer and radically change size based on perspective. One moment they are man-sized as swat men away then they are plane-sized as, you guessed it, they swat planes away. They’re solid – no, opaque – no, invisible.

Then there is the script. Are you telling me that a naval task force that is searching for the remains of Air Force One would not have any CAP in the air? We’re desperately searching for the President, just not with aircraft or anything. Air Force One’s escape pod doesn’t float?

As per Asylum SOP, simply stay far away from this Turkey this Thanksgiving.

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