A Fantastic Fear of Everything Jailbait

Jailbait and A Fantastic Fear of Everything are currently available on instant Netflix



Jailbait (2013) – Not Rated

Relentlessly abused by her stepfather, Anna is ultimately driven to kill him and lands at a dangerously sadistic juvenile detention center.

Okay who can resist the title, “Jailbait”? The Asylum Presents…Quick turn it off, turn it off! Just FYI the “relentlessly abused by her stepfather” portion of the film is over by the second minute of film. This atrocity to celluloid is brought to you by writer/director Jared Cohn.

Hrrrm. Asylum ripping off the major studios I understand but now they are ripping off Netflix itself and then selling the ripoff back to Netflix. They even prominently display “In the vein of Orange is the New Black” on the poster while featuring a young woman in a prison orange jumpsuit labeled both innocent and guilty.

While the lady playing Anna (Sara Malakul Lane) is attractive, she is also a 30-year-old playing a teenager. Erin O’Brien, who plays Kody, another juvenile offender, is 33. Not one of the actresses in the juvenile facility appears to be under twenty. While Jailbait is blessedly free of Asylum’s standard awful CGI, would it have killed them to hire a fight co-ordinator?

For those into that, there are ample displays of nudity and the usual cliched assortment of prison brutalities. Unfortunately, in a complete opposite of Orange is the New Black, the actresses are simply awful. It feels like they were all given drugs before allowing them to read off cue cards.

What’s next Asylum? Domicile of Dominoes? Apprehended Growth?

A Fantastic Fear

A Fantastic Fear of Everything (2012) – Rated R

While researching a book on Victorian-era murderers, author Jack Nife comes to fear they’re really stalking him and grows agoraphobic.

There’s a really great movie to be made of this subject matter. Unfortunately this isn’t it. Crispian Mills is writer, director, and producer here. He does make amusing use of some Goreyesque illustrations.

Simon Pegg is perfectly cast as Jack the paranoid author. He helps make the film fun as always but anyone expecting a brilliant satire like Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, or even Paul, will be disappointed. Part of the miscue is that Jack doesn’t slowly go insane – he starts off nuts.

To handicap the film further, Jack is also intensely stupid. Discovering that his clothing reeks like garbage, he washes it in the sink (reasonable) and then places the clothing in the oven with an open flame, without using a container – something no one would actually do. This type of behavior occurs frequently and is meant to be funny but just pulls the viewer out of the film.

Dreams and flashbacks are occasionally handled well but are just as likely to be bungled. I would love to see the film that A Fantastic Fear of Everything should have been but this is just meh.