Attila’s Exit to Hell

Attila and Exit to Hell are currently available on instant Netflix

Attila

 

Attila (2013) – Not rated

When American soldiers inadvertently steal Attila the Hun’s secret riches, the wrath of the barbarian is awakened, and the mummified warrior will stop at nothing to get back what is his.”

Roger Corman has famously said that none of his films ever lost money. I have to imagine that that is true of Asylum movies as well. I think Asylum presells their movies based on title alone (occasionally title and guest star), collects fees from Syfy and Netflix, and then turns the handcrank on their movie production machine, changing raw material into an unrecognizable hunk of garbage, and pocketing the money.

I did not actually get through the first minute of this cinematic before I was laughing uncontrollably. Attila’s first line of dialogue is “AAAAAAAAA!” which sums up how I feel about Asylum’s pictures. Then came this nugget in voiceover:

Attila’s personal Hun army rarely needed weaponry in battle. They were the weapon.”

It then shows armies charging into battle and punching their enemies in the stomach (for some reason the Hun’s enemies also fought without weapons). Apparently winning their battle, they proceed to punch and kick their way through a village with some ludicrous CGI blood spatter. Rarely have I seen a movie go off the rails in the first minute. Congratulations Asylum!

Exit to Hell

Exit to Hell (2013) – Rated TV-MA

Four creative criminals use an old angle to work a new heist, taking jobs in a gangster-run strip club prior to sticking up the place. When the robbery turns into a bloodbath, the gang escapes only as far as the deadly town of Redstone.

Exit to Hell begins with a really cheap-looking horror movie. I resisted the urge to turn it off long enough for it to become apparent that it was a movie the characters were watching. Unfortunately once in the movie proper, it doesn’t look much more expensive.

Obviously writer/director/editor/producer Robert Conway is trying for a grindhouse aesthetic here. He uses some scratchy film and bleached out colors a la Robert Rodriguez. There are also a lot of other things copied from/inspired by Rodriguez. The film borrows heavily from From Dusk til Dawn, Grindhouse, and others.

Exit to Hell stars Kane Hodder (Jason in four Friday the 13th movies, Hatchet 1-3), Tiffany Shepis (tons of horror movies, none of them memorable), and Rena Riffel (Showgirls, Striptease, The Pornographer). Acting seems to be an all-or-nothing approach, either over the top or reading from a prompt.

Unfortunately there isn’t a cohesive story to tie this string of incidents together. I applaud Conway’s efforts but ultimately this film isn’t worth your time.