Sh-Sh-Shark Week

Last year I covered a bunch of related films for shark week. While Netflix still has a lot of shark movies, they are almost uniformly bad. Not a single Jaws movie is available and neither are Deep Blue Sea, Open Water, Open Water 2, or the Reef. Still if you must celebrate shark week:

2-Headed Shark Attack (2012) – Not rated

“Terror takes a ghastly form when a gigantic two-headed shark sinks a ship full of students, and the survivors wash up on a tiny atoll. But just when the kids think they’re safe, a tsunami sweeps them back into the deep to face the twin jaws anew.”

I’m guessing that it’s not rated because they couldn’t get anyone to sit through it from beginning to end.

Shark Attack in the Mediterranean (2004) – Not rated

“After his wife’s horrific death, helicopter pilot Sven Hansen (Ralf Moeller) moves to Mallorca, where he encounters the giant shark that killed his beloved. Fueled by revenge, Hanson teams with a pretty biologist in a terrifying battle with the vicious man-eater. Danger lurks just beneath the calm blue waters of the Mediterranean in this action-packed German feature. Julia Stinshoff and Oona-Devi Liebich co-star.”

Ditto.

Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009) – Not rated

“After a series of mysterious disasters occurs in the Pacific, from the disappearance of a plane to the destruction of an oil rig, a group of scientists discovers that a secret military mission has unearthed a prehistoric shark and a giant octopus. When the government learns of the existence of the menacing beasts, the team of scientists is tasked with formulating a plan to destroy the phenomenal creatures. Lorenzo Lamas and Deborah Gibson star.”

See above.

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (2010) – Rated R

“When the prehistoric warm-water beast the Crocosaurus crosses paths with that cold-water monster the Mega Shark, all hell breaks loose in the oceans as the world’s top scientists explore every option to halt the aquatic frenzy. Swallowing everything in their paths — including a submarine or two — Croc and Mega lead an explorer and an oceanographer on a wild chase. Eventually, the desperate men turn to a volcano for aid.”

Wow Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus was so cheaply made that they went and made a sequel.

Shark Night (2011) – Rated PG-13

“A weekend of island beach-house debauchery turns into a hellish nightmare for a group of friends when one of them loses an arm in a vicious shark attack. Worse, the pals soon discover that the waters are infested with dozens of the toothy predators.”

Marginally better than the lousy films above but only marginally.

* Final Note: If you own a Blu-Ray player, consider splurging on the brand new blu-ray of Jaws. Universal did an amazing restoration job on it (unlike a number of their recent releases). Amazon has it for $18 and Best Buy has a Digibook version for $25 (through Saturday). Seriously Jaws is so much better a shark film than any of the Netflix offerings.