Far Cry – Videogames are bad for you week

This is videogames are bad for you week. So far they’ve been bad to me – I’ve had to endure two terrible movies. Hopefully today’s movie will be better. Far Cry is currently available on instant Netflix.

Far Cry

AVOID: Far Cry (2008) – NR (Theatrical version rated R for bloody violence).

“When Seattle reporter Valerie Cardinal (Emmanuelle Vaugier) hires troubled ex-commando Jack Carver (Til Schweiger) to guide her to a remote Pacific island, she soon falls prey to mercenaries sworn to protect the island’s dark military secret. Now Carver must save Cardinal and confront the sinister Dr. Krieger (Udo Kier), whose biological experiments have gone wildly awry. Uwe Boll directs this action-thriller based on the popular video game.”

“Watch out for the rocks here – they’re pretty big and sharp.”

“Okay so maybe it’s super covert.”

“I wanted to die fast you know, like by a shark.”

Augh! As you can see the dialogue here is equivalent to what we got in Alone in the Dark II. This is not surprising as while the film is directed by Uwe Boll, it is written by Michael Roesch and Peter Scheerer.

German actor Til Schweiger plays our lead hero. It is a shame to see this after seeing his wonderful turn as Hugo Stiglitz in Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds. Emmanuelle Vaugier is the attractive intrepid reporter.

Til and Emmanuelle are joined by Uwe Boll regulars Udo Kier (Bloodrayne, Dracula 3000, Shadow of the Vampire, Blade, Andy Warhol’s Dracula – what is it with this guy and vampire movies?) and Ralf Moeller (Gladiator, Alone in the Dark II). Michael Pare (Bloodrayne, Alone in the Dark II) also puts in an appearance.

As with the last two films, this one is filled with stupidity. The reporter, after being told that she’s holding a grenade (as if someone in this day and age wouldn’t know what a grenade is), lobs the grenade at the other vehicle without pulling the pin. She then pulls the pin on and drops the next grenade.

After this she accidentally (no wait I’m serious – stop laughing) shoots the helicopter above them through the roof of their car with a spear gun/grappling hook. Don’t ask me why there was a grappling hook in the back of the vehicle or why a helicopter that was presumably following the car would be directly overhead.

Don’t get me started on the enemy soldier with an empty gun – wait a full gun – no wait it was empty. A forest full of trees and two characters get tied face-to-face to the same tree so that they can easily untie each other.

Apparently all it takes to create genetically engineered super soldiers is to take actors and smear them with sunblock. Once you do that they can punch aluminum trashcans like nobody’s business. Also if their skin is impervious to bullets, why do they have to wear vests?

I did feel quite a bit of empathy for the civilian contractor. He just wanted to eat his meatball sub. Then again I’m probably just hungry. There is a good running gag about people owing each other something.

Unfortunately I am forced to admit that while I can’t come close to recommending this film, it is nowhere near as bad as the two previous movies.

People Watch: This one is for my daughter – Anthony Bourdain (No Reservations) briefly plays a scientist.