Adventures of Thunderstorm: Return of Thor

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Here’s the problem with basing a comic book character on a Norse god – to wit that anyone can make a story about him thus diluting the brand. I honestly expected the credits here to say “The Asylum Presents”, at which point I could simply move on to another movie. Adventures of Thunderstorm: Return of Thor is currently available on instant Netflix.

Adventures of Thunderstorm: Return of Thor (2011)

“A group of religious zealots plot to resurrect their evil deity, the Norse Goddess of the Underworld, Hel. In an attempt to stop the plot, Thor — the God of Thunder — sends a portion of his mighty power to Earth and gives it to his descendant.”

“I refuse to help you – you criminals.”

Ugh! The prologue lasts almost three minutes and in addition to the very cheap scrolling words, they are repeated in a very bored voiceover for those who don’t like reading.

This movie is from Bret Kelly Productions and is written, directed, and starring Bret Kelly (as Thor no less). Note to Bret Kelly (and other filmmakers): If you fill your audience in with a prologue (both written and spoken), there is no need to then have characters cover this material yet again.

Ow! Ow! Ow! I’m only ten minutes in and it is so painful. Scenes in Asgard are simply blurry heads superimposed over a field of stars (and overlap each other when there is more than one deity). By the way the heads use some kind of mind-speech as their lips don’t move. Oh the heads also judder up and down like a bad VHS tape so perhaps that is how they are speaking.

Scenes on Earth are just as bad. The villains might just as well say ‘bang’ when they pull their triggers for all the impact they have. I will say that the chief villain has an awesomely groomed beard.

The acting is quite dreadful, with many of the actors clearly just reading their lines off cue cards. Honestly the acting is much worse than Asylum pictures. Another hint: If you are speaking to someone, perhaps facing them would be your best bet.

The script is just as dreadful. Scripts should not be comprised of 25% exposition. That is what we call a lecture.

Final verdict: It really says something when Asylum’s version of Thor was way better than this.

Tons of New Movies on Netflix!

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The 15th is not as good as the 1st of each month for movies but Netflix sure released a bunch of them.

Coach (1989-96)

This one was released and then yanked before but all nine seasons are back for those of you who are Craig T. Nelson fans.

Lots more Imax for those who want something to chill out to (or something to watch with kids that isn’t animated):

The Greatest Places (1999)

Search for the Great Sharks (1999)

Tropical Rainforest (1992)

Ring of Fire (1991)

If you finished with the first three wonderful Jesse Stone movies I recommended at the beginning of the month then try the fourth:

Jesse Stone: Sea Change (2007)

“Tom Selleck reprises his role as Jesse Stone, chief of police in sleepy Paradise, Mass. In this installment, Stone’s investigation into an old rape case is stonewalled as the town tries to keep the incident quiet to minimize the effect on tourism.”

For fans of The Guild, the fifth season is available. For those who don’t know, this is a very funny webisode series based on World of Warcraft. Each ‘season’ lasts about 45 minutes.

Grimm’s Snow White (2012) – Not rated

“Unrelated to the big screen versions of the classic story, this low budget tale of an evil queen determined to dispose of her beautiful stepdaughter, Snow White, introduces reptilian creatures and other twists.”

Yay! I finally learned my lesson. After a minute of opening narration that appears to be lifted from a Lord of the Rings ripoff, the credits begin to roll with “The Asylum Presents” – click went the remote. No need to invest another hour and a half of my time in this movie clearly designed to cash in on “Mirror, Mirror” and “Snow White and the Huntsman” and perhaps the TV series “Once Upon a Time” as well.

Hint: Short of a Troma film, an Asylum film is about as bad as you can get.

Bloody Disgusting Selects Wrap Up

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Okay I’ve dragged the Bloody Disgusting Selects rollout long enough. Rammbock: Berlin Undead and Chop were good but The Woman and Cold Fish were ugly. Atrocious was boring, The Pack was ludicrous, and Outcast was an interesting premise hobbled with extremely obvious storytelling in the third act. That leaves only two Bloody Disgusting Selects left and I’d like to get them both out of the way briefly.

Phase 7 (2011) – Rated R

“When a deadly outbreak of influenza holds the residents of a quarantined apartment building hostage, Coco and his pregnant wife, Pipi, must form a tentative partnership with an unstable but well-stocked neighbor.”

I enjoyed this post-apocalyptic thriller from Argentina. Yes it’s subtitled. There are no zombies and it doesn’t really qualify as horror. Like most of the Bloody Disgusting Selects, it is quirky which is a good deal of its charm. It is not exciting or scary but is a fun watch.

It does have some problems. The foremost is that it is difficult to build sympathy for the lead character who seems to go where the wind blows. His wife, despite being trapped in the apartment building with him, is practically a non-entity and when she is on screen, she is rather unpleasant. The other characters are fascinating however.

YellowBrickRoad (2010) – Rated R

“A small team of explorers heads into the New Hampshire wilderness to investigate the unexplained disappearance of the residents of Friar, who left their homes 70 years earlier — without their money, their clothes or a word about where they went.”

Like Outcast, YellowBrickRoad is a fascinating misfire. The basic premise is sound, parts of the script are simply wonderful, several of the characters are intriguing, and some of the violence is very impressive.

That said the characters are not introduced well, the script meanders on unimportant points and races through the important ones, sound drops in and out, and the non-intriguing characters are basically interchangeable.

YellowBrickRoad is worth a watch because it is quite different but I warn you that it will be a frustrating experience.

Idle Chatter – Hulu and Xbox

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Just a few things I was thinking about over the weekend but then I was sidetracked with a semi-coherent piracy rant.

* I have an Xbox 360 which we use for most of our Netflix and Hulu watching around here (Thanks Rufus!) but I haven’t broken down and bought a Kinect yet. Part of the reason is that we don’t really have the space requirement – you are supposed to be 6-8 feet away from the TV and Kinect but we sit about 3 feet away (an would completely block the front door if 8 feet away – small house).

I do like that Kinect allows you to scroll through movies with your hands or issue voice commands. It has also been reported that the Xbox is likely to get Internet Explorer this year and that it will have Kinect controls a la Minority Report or Iron Man.

Now where is my hovercar?

* Well it is only in the planning/rumor stage but not surprisingly cable companies are tired of customers cutting their cable. We cut it years ago and Hulu and Netflix give us more to watch than we would ever have time for (not to mention my fairly extensive DVD library).

Disney, News Corp, and Comcast (i.e. the bigwigs that own Hulu) are planning to require users to authenticate that they have cable before they can use Hulu. Now there is no timetable on this and it is uncertain whether this would include the paying users of Hulu Plus or just the plain Hulu users.

Personally I find it humorous that apparently Hulu has succeeded too well. I think it is a sign that the cable companies need to adapt or die (much like the record companies failed to do when music went digital) because once customers are used to not having to fork over $70-$100 for cable TV, how will you ever get them back?

On the other hand, how many people who have cut cable TV are shelling out the same money to the same people for their internet connection? Personally I am still thrilled to be able to choose from tens of thousands of movies and shows and watch them any time I want. When I was a kid, I can remember buying 8mm film clips of movies I loved – not the whole movie as that was ludicrously priced, but just the good parts.

 

DVDs and Piracy – Yarrrr!

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First let me state up front: Piracy IS Murder. No wait Meat is Murder – Tasty, Tasty Murder. All kidding aside Piracy IS Theft. There is no grey area. There is no “well it’s not really stealing because I would never have watched it otherwise.”. Everyone who does it knows that they are stealing.

The hilarious part is that I don’t mind the theft so much as the denial that it is theft. That’s just an attempt to make yourself feel better about what you are doing.

Apparently our old ten second unskippable piracy warning on DVDs was insufficient. New rules and warnings have now gone into effect so that we will be shown twenty seconds of unskippable warnings in front of every DVD and Blu-Ray.

These people (Immigrations and Customs Enforcement among others) have absolutely no sense of irony. You will only be forced to watch these warnings if you are NOT pirating a movie. Pirated copies of movies obviously do not make you sit through these warnings every single time you want to sit down and watch Ishtar.

For that matter pirated copies don’t force you to sit through five to twenty minutes worth of previews every time you pop in the disc either (I know pirated copies are mostly downloads these days but I still remember the days of seeing them in the flea markets). This is another case of corporate stupidity. Making the previews unskippable just means that I get up and fix a snack or check my email and makes it less likely I’ll purchase the next DVD. I already find it hard to justify purchasing a movie when I have a backlog of things to watch on instant Netflix (for which I only pay eight dollars a month).

I’ll tell you what I like: Incentives! I bought a Resident Evil Blu-Ray because it came in a steelbook. If you haven’t seen a steelbook, they are metal DVD (or Blu-Ray in this case) cases and they are beautiful. Right now Best Buy has a FREE steelbook for Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance if you put five dollars down on the upcoming 3D release. This would be nice if it weren’t the single worst movie I’ve seen so far this year (at the theater anyway).

My daughter recently bought The Muppets at Wal-Mart because it came with FREE finger puppets. I almost bought the BBC Frozen Planet series there because it came with the BBC Life series for FREE.

Anyway back to piracy. I understand that there are a lot of reasons for piracy. Besides the aforementioned forced viewing of warnings and previews, there are myriad reasons to pirate.

I loved season one of HBO’s Game of Thrones. I’d gladly subscribe to HBO to get HBO Go to watch Game of Thrones and True Blood. I am not however willing to subscribe to basic cable, extended cable, and a movie package just to get a series. My service provider will graciously allow me to pay them $28 a month for HBO if I first pay them $57 a month for what they call “family cable”. So I can pay them $85 plus all the other charges (box rental, party fee, etc.) each and every month or I can wait and get Game of Thrones season two next spring for $35 (based on what I paid for the first season). I would even happily pay per episode like I do on Amazon for Walking Dead but no such option exists. This is the type of situation that drives people to piracy. I can wait until spring because I’m patient but I understand others are not.

Another reason I see for piracy is similar: availability. Every major science fiction, comic, or gaming convention I’ve been to has at least one dealer who sells bootlegs of shows that, quite frankly, the studios have been embarrassed to release. If you want to see the 1978 version of Marvel’s Dr. Strange, the 1974 Cathy Lee Crosby version of Wonder Woman, or the Star Wars Holiday Special then these guys have a very grainy barely watchable bootleg for you.

Movies that go out of print on DVD go for outrageous sums. There is a terrible movie called Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. that stars David Hasselhof. The cheapest new copy on Amazon goes for $78. The cheapest new copy of Anchor Bay’s release of Quatermass and the Pit goes for $140. Those prices are obviously ridiculous and beyond what most people are willing to pay.

Worse still are films that have never seen a U.S. DVD release. I have a German box set of Christopher Lee’s Fu Manchu films because only three have ever been released in the U.S. and there are five of them. I also bought the British version of 2009′s Day of the Triffids miniseries because it was unavailable (at the time) in the U.S. Cold Prey 2 is not available in the U.S. but is fairly cheap in the U.K.

All of this adds up to plenty of reasons why people pirate. The problem isn’t just the pirates though but the system itself. Hollywood has tried to address some of the issues by shortening the length of time between theatrical release and Blu-Ray release from one year to six months to the current average of three to four months.

Making films more affordable is another important step. I almost never spend more than $10 for a Blu-Ray and it is usually either $5 or $10 and I’m getting a FREE movie ticket out of it. Still buying the Blu-Ray even on release day is far cheaper than buying tickets and snacks at the theater.

I’d love to have something pithy to wrap this up but honestly I just went on a rant here. How about a quote from The Office’s Mindy Kaling?

“I was at the movies and I saw those ads, the ones that say things like ‘You wouldn’t steal a purse, would you? You wouldn’t steal a car.’ I was thinking about it when I was watching it and I was like… you know what I would steal a car. If it was as easy as touching the car… and then 30 seconds later I owed the car. And I would steal a car if the person who owned the car… they got to keep the car. And I would also steal a car if no one I had ever met had ever bought a car before in their whole life.”

Max Out the Imax

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Instant Netflix has quite a few Imax films available. They are short, ranging from half an hour up to a little over an hour. All the ones I have seen are quite beautiful and most are narrated by a big name actor with a distinctive voice (Leonard Nimoy, Ed Harris, Helen Mirren, etc.). None of them seem to go into much depth but they are an entertaining diversion and generally fit for the whole family.

Arabia (2010) – Not rated

“Helen Mirren narrates this sweeping exploration of Arabian culture and history that’s driven by stunning IMAX cinematography. Standing at the center is a young film student who returns from studying abroad to shoot a movie about his homeland.”

Dolphins (2000) – Not rated

“Pierce Brosnan narrates, and Sting provides the music for this IMAX documentary that steps into the world of wild (and highly intelligent) dolphins.”

Everest (1998) – Not rated

“Noted climber David Breashears leads an IMAX crew to the top of the Mount Everest, providing the first 360-degree view from Earth’s highest peak.”

Beavers (1998) – Not rated

“The natural woodland engineers of the great northwest are studied in fascinating detail in this film festival favorite, originally in IMAX theaters.”

Titanica (1995) – Not rated

“Titanica follows a 1992 expedition to the wreck of the Titanic, the “unsinkable” luxury liner that collided with an iceberg and sank in 1912.”

Amazon (1997) – Not rated

“Actress Linda Hunt narrates this enthralling IMAX presentation showcasing the vitality and magical wonder of the Amazonian rain forest.”

Legends of Flight (2010) – Not rated

“Learn about, and ride along with, two “game changing” designs in the world of aviation: the Boeing 787 Dreamliner and the Airbus A380.”

The Living Sea (1995) – Not rated

“This Oscar-nominated documentary explores the world’s oceans, celebrating the vast variety of life and activity found in their exotic depths.”

Journey Into Amazing Caves (2001) – Not rated

“This IMAX film accompanies two cave explorers on some unusual adventures, from ice caves in Greenland to underwater caves in the jungles of Mexico.”

Dinosaurs: Giants of Patagonia (2007) – Not rated

“Donald Sutherland narrates this larger-than-life IMAX production that explores the history, evolution and extinction of the dinosaurs.”

The Magic of Flight (1996) – Not rated

“Tom Selleck narrates this documentary that deftly navigates the history of aviation from the Wright brothers to the U.S. Navy’s Blue Angels.”

Volcanoes of the Deep Sea (2003) – Not rated

“Travel 12,000 feet below the ocean’s surface into an exciting and rarely explored area of hydrothermal volcanoes in this scientific journey.”

The Woman – Bloody Disgusting Selects

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So far Bloody Disgusting Selects has turned out much the same as After Dark – a mix of independent and foreign horror films that are different but not necessarily good. The Woman is currently available on instant Netflix.

The Woman (2011) – Rated R

“When hunter and backwoods lawyer Chris Cleek (Sean Bridgers) brings home a feral woman (Pollyanna McIntosh) he found lurking in the woods, he locks her in the shed and orders his family to actively participate in her “civilization.” But they take to the task with varying enthusiasm. And the more the Woman resists their attempts to make her human, the farther away the family gets from true humanity.”

First a note: this is based on a Jack Ketchum novel. For those who haven’t read one of his novels or watched his movies, Ketchum is a horror author who specializes in the realistic. His stories do not involve the supernatural, monsters, or aliens. Instead the horror comes from people who have no conscience, murderers, rapists, cannibals, etc.

I have not read any of his books but so far I’ve found his movies to range from unpleasant to very, very unpleasant. I understand this is by design and there is certainly an audience out there who wish to be disturbed by what they are seeing/reading (at least one hopes others are disturbed by these).

The Woman is a sequel (of sorts) to Offspring. Offspring was interesting and disturbing. The subject matter here is just as disturbing. The Woman is Rated R for strong bloody violence, torture, a rape, disturbing behavior, some graphic nudity, and language.

Wow. I’ve enjoyed director and co-writer Lucky McKee’s work before. I’ve enjoyed all three of the movies he has directed. His film May was a very quirky story, The Woods was an offbeat horror movie starring Bruce Campbell, and Red was a good Jack Ketchum adaptation.

The wow was because parts of this movie are just awful and I’m not talking about the subject matter. This film has positively the most amateurish fight scenes, montages, and flashbacks that I have ever seen and a rather poor and haphazard use of music.

Another problem was that the plot didn’t match the character reactions. It was obvious from early on (i.e. not a spoiler) that the husband Chris controlled the family yet their reactions betrayed no fear of him. I’m guessing that Lucky McKee has never actually seen this dynamic in play.

Yet still another problem was that the film plays out EXACTLY like you think it would with the exception of one ridiculous out-of-left-field revelation that comes out of nowhere and has no rational explanation. I can only assume it played better in the book.

That said the acting was just fine. Angela Bettis was particularly good as the mousy wife and Sean Bridgers was particularly creepy as the controlling husband.

I would recommend just staying away from this unpleasant film as things seen cannot be unseen.

If you want to watch a Jack Ketchum movie that is disturbing, suspenseful and still enjoyable, watch the aforementioned Red starring one of my favorite character actors, Brian Cox, in the lead role.

Rammbock (Berlin Undead) – Bloody Disgusting Selects

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Yup – I still haven’t run out of Bloody Disgusting Selects. Quality has been all over the map. Rammbock (Berlin Undead) is currently available on instant Netflix.

Rammbock – Berlin Undead (2010) – Not rated

“Hoping to reunite with his ex-girlfriend, a lovesick young man drops in to see her but instead finds a brash teen plumber — and before you can say “the undead,” the twosome must barricade the door against a legion of insatiable zombies.”

This is a wonderfully intimate viral zombie thriller. The vast majority of the movie takes place from hapless Michael’s point-of-view. As in Night of the Living Dead, the overall situation is communicated through the occasional television or radio transmission. Almost the entire movie takes place in a single apartment block.

Rammbock also wastes no time at all. There is only a single brief scene before the carnage begins. There are no character backgrounds and little character development. Rammbock is just a bunch of apartment dwellers trying to cope with a zombie outbreak.

The type of outbreak is borrowed liberally from 28 Days Later and [REC], both of which are better films. Rammbock’s zombies are clearly done on a budget and look somewhat like Evil Dead extras. Director Marvin Kren is aware of this and uses them sparingly, concentrating instead on the dwindling number of apartment dwellers.

The actors are all serviceable and look refreshingly like a random group of apartment dwellers. Michael Fuith has to carry the film as our protagonist and he is delightfully schlubby.

Rammbock maintains a breakneck pace straight through to the end of its one hour running time. Yes, writer Benjamin Hessler could have written a much longer script, throwing in additional characters, character development, or exposition but I’m glad that he didn’t. While not the best of zombie films, this is a very good one and only requires an hour’s worth of investment (but you will have to read subtitles).

Ken Burns, America’s Documentarian

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One of the things that early Netflix streaming got right and continues to do well is the depth and breadth of their documentary category. Just look at all the Ken Burns Americana documentaries available now. Warning: several of the series require a major time investment.

The Civil War (1990)

“This documentary masterpiece from Ken Burns depicts the strategies and action of famous Civil War battles, and relates the stories of generals, field soldiers, politicians, heroes and a beleaguered president. The Emmy-winning miniseries begins by looking at the factors that led to the firing on Fort Sumter, and covers specific notable battles, climaxing with Gen. Robert E. Lee’s surrender and Pres. Abraham Lincoln’s assassination.”

Ken Burns: Baseball (1994)

“Award-winning documentarian Ken Burns takes a swing at a unique and much-loved aspect of life in the United States — baseball — chronicling the sport’s signature people, places and events as well as its deep-rooted relationship to American culture. The pastime’s century-and-a-half history unfolds over ten nostalgic, informative “innings,” which delve into baseball’s spiritual resonance with the entire nation.”

Ken Burns: The West (1996)

“Historian and Oscar nominee Ken Burns and his talented team mine vintage photographs, music, maps, letters, newspapers and more to bring to life the struggles and challenges Americans faced in the 19th century as they embarked on westward expansion.”

Ken Burns: The War (2007)

“A seven-part series brings World War II to life through the harrowing personal accounts of a handful of soldiers and others from “typical” American towns, recreating visceral scenes of the battles at Omaha Beach, Guadalcanal, Okinawa and more.”

Ken Burns: Jazz (2001)

“Acclaimed filmmaker Ken Burns celebrates jazz, the “most American art form,” by following its substantial growth and development over the decades — from its origins in blues and ragtime through its evolution into swing, bebop and fusion.”

Ken Burns: The National Parks (2009)

“The award-winning documentarian turns his insight and cameras to the history and breathtaking splendor of America’s national parks. The words of early naturalists and modern advocates accompany panoramas of Yosemite, Glacier, Redwood and other parks.”

National Parks just became available and I’m looking forward to watching it. I hope Netflix will get the Ken Burns: Prohibition one soon.

A bunch off Ken Burns’ one-shot documentaries have been rebranded as Ken Burns’ America.

Ken Burns’ America: The Shakers (1985)

“Acclaimed documentary filmmaker Ken Burns directs this look at the unique religion and the peaceful and productive pastimes the Shakers practice on a daily basis. In this engrossing exploration of a little-known part of American culture, Burns brings to life the history, politics, and dynamic personalities that made the Shaker phenomenon possible — and that make it symbolic of all that America is and was.”

Ken Burns’ America: The Brooklyn Bridge (1981)

“Master documentary filmmaker Ken Burns is the genius behind this film that chronicles the history of New York City’s fabled Brooklyn Bridge. Traversing the East River, the Brooklyn Bridge stands graceful and tall, often prominently featured in many a book and movie. Listen as such literary luminaries as Arthur Miller and Kurt Vonnegut discuss the magic of this landmark.”

Ken Burns’ America: The Congress (1988)

Ken Burns’ America: The Statue of Liberty (1985)

Ken Burns’ America: Huey Long (1985)

Ken Burns’ America: Thomas Hart Benton (1988)

Ken Burns’ America: Empire of the Air (1991)

Thomas Jefferson (1997)

Horatio’s Drive: America’s First Road Trip (2003)

 

 

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark – Revenge of the Tooth Fairy

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Here’s hoping I can get the taste of Shark Night out of my mouth. Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark is currently available on instant Netflix.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark (2010) – Rated R

“Soon after moving in with her father and his new girlfriend, young Sally discovers she isn’t alone in the house: strange creatures live there — and they might not be as friendly as Sally thinks. Guillermo del Toro co-writes this horror film.”

Guillermo del Toro’s name is plastered all over this film but he did not direct. He only co-wrote it and it is based on the screenplay from the 1973 original. He is also a producer, has a cameo as an airplane passenger behind Sally, and does one of the creature voices. The original was a favorite of del Toro’s and it shows

The cinematography by Oliver Stapleton is quite good as is the set design. In short this is a very pretty film with the mansion effectively becoming another character. I loved the spiral staircases in the public library and the stone staircase in the basement. The mansion is supposed to be used for an Architectural Digest cover story – why is Architectural Digest always name-checked every time a film features an architect? The creature effects are pretty neat as well.

I normally enjoy Guy Pearce. He is quite good when directed properly (Memento, L.A. Confidential) but he can’t save a movie. He and Katie Holmes are both capable here but not much more than that. It was nice to see noted Australian character actor Jack Thompson in a vital supporting role (Harris).

Of course in a film like this, a disproportionate amount of the acting falls on the shoulders of the child. Sally is played by Bailee Madison. Bailee does a fine job acting bratty, sad, and scared at various turns.

Strangely the big fault of the film is actually the scripting by del Toro, who I love. There are just too many incidents of willful disbelief especially by Guy Pearce’s Alex. Cliche after cliche is trotted out and abused. Also the filmmakers apparently don’t remember how Polaroid flashbars work.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark is a good stately horror film – just try to hold on to your suspension of disbelief.

People Watch: Guillermo del Toro returns to directing (yay!) with next year’s giant robots vs. aliens film, Pacific Rim.